It took months of therapy for me rediscover myself. I hated my shrink, her snap judgements and ass backward assumptions made me so angry…. but i refrained from giving her a genuine piece of my mind. The “latest version” of myself sat there and corrected her time and time again, regarding everything…. I really wanted her to understand my dilemmas so she could help me sort it all out… so i rephrased things and continued to be met with frustration as she seemed to purposely misunderstand me. I left my weekly sessions exhausted and out of patience. Upon meeting me, most people comment on my vocabulary, or how articulate I am. I admit only here, anonymously that my favorite book as a child was any dictionary. This shrink though, she seemed to go out of her way to twist my words to the point of me nearly losing all patience and demanding she keep a dictionary at her desk just for our sessions. I say what I mean using the words I’ve carefully weighed out to mean the exact degree to which I mean them, how hard is that to comprehend?
Annoyed does not mean the same thing as irate. Lost does not equate to suicidal or homicidal. At times, I questioned if she wasnt carrying on a conversation with someone else entirely, once I even blatantly looked around the room and bit back the question I was dying to ask “Just who the hell are you talking to?”, instead I simply said I was curious if she ever video recorded her sessions when she asked what I was looking for…
This “new me” tries so hard not to rock the boat and wants to be understood, so I suffer in silence.
I’ve been struggling to remember a time when I was happy. Fighting back tears and waves of depression, I’ve been working so hard at staying alive I havent had too much time to think past survival to even imagine I could be happy again. I was happy once. I was free once. Now finally Im able to catch my breath and remember what it felt like. I realized the trap I had fallen for, the one that landed me here.
It was you. It was me.
As abusive and cruel as you were to me, my friends and I all begged for an answer to the question “why him?”
I never tolerated such treatment before, why now? why you?
It wasn’t until I got completely fed up with my therapist that the truth finally came out of hiding.
All those years of believing I was completely and utterly head-over-heels in love with you and that no matter what you did that love would never die…all those years of searching, ripping through closets full of skeletons and forgotten baggage…. only to have the answer slide into view as if it had been obvious from the start.
I cling to that answer now, knowing if it slips away again, I may never find my way out of this fresh hell.
I was happy before because I NEVER, EVER allowed anyone else’s impression of who I was or what I was capable of impact me. I did what I liked and I loved my life. I rarely saw my apartment, it was just a place to shower, change, and prep for my next adventure. My life was my own, I paid my own bills, had no one to answer to when I wasn’t working. I loved my life. My boss would tell me she hated me to my face, co-workers told me I was so smart I was stupid…. but I was happy. I’d smile at my boss while she seethed, i even laughed in her face from time to time as I imaged her head would explode…. i’d run circles around my co-workers, happily do my job as a cashier making minimum wage, but I was happy.
It didn’t matter who liked me and who didn’t. I didn’t stop and correct people when they made silly assumptions.
I had my life. It wasn’t anything to call home about, but I was happy. So what happened?
I met you, dated you for a bit…. dumped you and it should have ended there… but it didnt.
You came crawling back, I should have slammed the door so hard it shook the building… stupid me.
The trap was I attempted to show you compassion and give you an explanation as to why I could no longer see you, even though it was already obvious. You broke my trust, game over, have a nice life, good bye, end of story…
but no…. I allowed you to ask for another chance… Ive never been fond of 2nd chances, people who need them are far too quick to ask for a 3rd and a 4th… that was exactly what happened and only now years later have I managed to free myself from you. Putting 300 miles between us and you dare believe I would want you to come here to “see me”.. are you insane? Do you think me insane? oh yes, i lost sight of who I was there for awhile, but I’m rediscovering my “old self” and sweetheart, she’s a bitch you dont want to meet in a dark alley.
I dont need to send this letter to you, actually not posting it elsewhere because I DONT want any responses.. I dont need you to see this… I have your email address, if I ever intended for you to read this I would have sent it to you directly….
The old me knew that there are way too many men on this planet to give each one a chance… much less waste a 2nd chance on one who’s already proved himself unworthy… its a complete waste of time.
The “old me” had a phone full of #s, men were accessories, not center pieces in my life.
The “old me” knew how to have fun and men fell in love with me everywhere I went.
The “old me” was the life of the party and people seemed to be drawn towards my direction, I was apparently easy to approach and lively enough to make them want to meet me.
How did I end up like this?
My compassion to give you some closure lead me to this… how ironic…
It went from compassion to a need to be understood, to a need to be accepted… to wanting to be wanted…
I never cared much if this person or that person didnt like me before.. why should i? There are plenty of other people on the planet who seem to like me just fine… but this desire to be wanted and loved by you grew in me like a weed and choked all the joy from my life. You were never worthy of me and thanks to my disgust with my shrink…. I realize I dont owe you any explanation, I never did..I stopped seeing that woman and no, I havent bothered to tell her why, simply put.. Im rolling back to the last known good configuration of my life and anyone left scratching their heads wondering where I am and what Im doing can just suck it