August 20, 2016…. 3 1/2 weeks since I lost you. not getting any easier.
The diaries of a broken heart.
My heart changed when I learned to appreciate what I had, when it was already too late. If I could go back and write a letter to my old self, maybe I could have prevented this from happening but I can only hope there was a bigger reason for this. Maybe this had to happen for to have a new outlook on life and to never make the same mistakes again. Sometimes in life, it takes times like these to reflect and learn new things about yourself. I have contemplated ending my own life and that was something I could have never imagined myself considering until a week ago. Maybe I was over reacting but even the fact of the matter is still real. I am in the process of losing the love of my life. I am watching it happen right before my very eyes. I am fucking destroyed. This is the worst feeling in the world & I hate myself more than anything because I blame myself. I can only beat myself up now after looking back and cringing over things I did or things I should have done. Never take for granted somebody who thinks your the most beautiful thing in the entire world, and makes you feel like it too. NEVER let it go. I am very insecure, and for once in my life I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world. He made me feel like that. If I could go back, ugh I would give anything in the entire world to re start. My stomach is in knots, I didn’t think I knew what anxiety was until now… I cant think straight, I am not in a good state of mind, I am so anxious, my body hurts, my soul hurts. I will never take him or anybody for granted ever again. I sit on my hands and knees and cry out to god to please help, but I realized that I was only going to him when I needed something, but I never took the time to be thankful for what I had when times were good. I need to be more thankful, more appreciative, and I think I know that now.
To the man I love, I want you to know that I will never ever stop loving you until I die. I can promise you that you were my first real love, and nobody can ever take that away from you. I have never experienced this feeling until I met you. Sex with you is more connected, passionate, and intense than I knew was possible. I connected with you more on such a deep level. We fell the most hard and so fast for each other and in the perfect time in our lives. WE needed eachother, and we completely changed each others lives, forever. You have taught me a different perspective on things and I am a different person than I was two years ago, at age 18, about to graduate high school and enter my first year of college. Teenage love is deeper than any love I can explain. When you’re young, you’re changing, your going through so many emotions, and you were there for so many of those. I have been lucky enough to have documented our love story with thousands of photos and I will cherish them forever. You changed my life, and i will never be able to forget the memories, and the time that we shared. I was selfish, I was young, we still are. we are still growing and making mistakes, and learning from them. Losing you will always be one of the worst things I’ve ever had to go through, and I will always wonder what we could have been if we didn’t give up, if we got through the bad times and had a life together. I find you the sexiest person alive and Its gonna take me a really long time to be able to open my heart to somebody again and fully let my guard down the way I did with you. I completely gave you my heart even though I was so scared to at first. I was afraid of getting hurt, but I saw something in you and I went with it. Our first kiss was magical and I still get butterflies and it still feels the same when I kiss you, I could probably kiss you at age 50 and melt like butter. Its undeniable the connection we have, and right now I am hoping that you feel the same. I know I took you for granted, but if I just had one more chance to show you how much my outlook has changed, how madly in love with you I am. You wouldn’t think twice. If you only knew that this entire time Ive been telling everyone how amazing you are, the mistakes I made. If you knew how tough I’m taking this, you have no idea that I have done absolutely nothing but think about what I can do better and own up to the mistakes I made. If only you knew that I think of you like a prince, I would do anything for you, I am honest when I say I haven’t met anybody sexier. You are the male version of me. I also promise you that I was never unfaithful to you, or wanted anybody else’s attention but yours. Thats the thing that kills me the most is that you think that I could ever do that to you. I can agree, I hate the bad influences in my life. I don’t consider anyone I know a decent person and I know I deserve better friends too. I hate that I ever surrounded myself with such shitty people. I know I am better than that too.