I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

LTME-postDear C,

We spent every day together all day together and we texted every second we weren’t together… I never got enough of you… those 2 mile walks every night around all the reservoires just talking about life and I could come to you for everything… you were my best friend, my love. I cut everyone off for you, which sounds horrible but I did because I loved you so much. I say ‘loved’ like it’s past tense but no, I still love you. I’m not one to love someone and once they hurt me I don’t love them anymore… it’s been 4 months and I still love you. It started like this… We obviously loved each other then one day you decided to go hang out with another girl and never told me, took her on dates and never told me, drove through my sisters work and that’s how I found out. Do you feel guilty yet? My sister had to come home and tell me that because you wouldn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I was so sick, sick for months. I lost 12 pounds from being sick and cried so much. I still cry, 4 freaking months later and I still cry. Nobody will ever understand my love for you! But you’ve recently been texting me, texting me how much you miss me and how you miss my “beautiful” smile… how you get upset all the time when you think about me, but you don’t realize that I’ve been that way for four months… you made me so insecure! I hate myself, you made me feel so beautiful and accepted when I was with you but then you made me hate myself. I hate my body, my weight. Everything! I’m scared of the world because I could conquer it everyday with you but now, now I am alone. I shut everyone out! I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t eat. I had panic attacks a lot sometimes I would be fine then just start over thinking and just bawl. Bawl so bad my eyes were so swollen and you did this at the time my best friend was heart broken. I had to help her but shut my emotions out. Finally when I told her I turned to drinking. I was drunk, don’t remember a thing that happened that night but you don’t understand how many tears, arguments and everything I’ve gone through because I love you even when you’re killing me. It sucks, not having the love and support I had from you everyday and how you’re still with that girl. It’s not fair for her, it wasn’t fair to me! And now I still deal with the consequences! I’m scared to love, I have a BF now but I’m scared every second of every day that he’ll leave me, or cheat on me or I won’t make him happy enough because after what you did to me I felt that I didn’t make you happy enough, or I wasn’t pretty enough or I didn’t have the best body in the world! Now, now I eat but sometimes when I think of you I can’t, maybe losing weight will make me prettier… now I make my BF happy and he knows what you did to me. He knows I’m scared and he reassures me everyday that I’ll always have him and that he’s not going anywhere… He doesn’t care what people say about me because he’ll never stop caring about me. And even though I have trust issues now I’m finally starting to trust him… I spend hours with him and never get tired of it! He makes me so happy even when I’m so sad and you… you see me doing better and decide to text me and bring back all the pain. My mom doesn’t like you anymore because she saw me in so much pain. She saw me struggling while I was trying to help My best friend. I was drowning while you were swimming and you couldn’t save me, nobody could save me so I learned to swim and now I’m happy again and you’ll never be trusted like you were before.


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