Dear James,

I’m writing this because we don’t talk any more. There are so many things I need to say but I can’t. I’m not used to that. We were terrible at breaking up, the worst. It took us too long to figure out that sometimes things are better left unsaid. But what do I do with all of these things I feel that keep me up at night that I can’t tell you? How do I know if you feel the same? I guess that’s the point, I don’t know and that should be for the best.

You’re dating someone else now. I feel like I’ve barely caught my breath from when my heart fell out of my stomach when you gave up on us and you’re already moving on. Did I mean anything to you? How could I, if you can so easily disregard everything we had? I grin and bear it but you know what? It’s not fucking cool to start dating another girl two weeks after you lie to my face that “you just can’t be in a relationship right now.”

Was I just not good enough for you? Or were you just done taking everything that I could give and so you’re on to the next one? You were a lot of firsts for me. A lot of firsts that I thought would be special. They aren’t. My first love; first boyfriend; first guy I had sex with. It makes me so angry that now, forever, I’ll have to look back on those things and remember you and remember how much you hurt me.

I want to forgive and forget so bad. I just want to forget you. I thought writing this would be cathartic. But no matter how many tears I cry and sentences I plan in my head to say to you, you still aren’t with me. I love you and I hate you but I love you more. I can’t stop imagining us together again or remembering when we were together and regretting deleting our messages (so I couldn’t look at them and miss you, but I still do except I’m forgetting what you said to me).

I mean, does this hurt ever stop? Or is it just one of those things where you get used to the dull ache? I just want you to hurt and miss me as much as I’m hurting and missing you. You don’t get to be happy when I’m this broken. It’s not fair.

I just miss you.

B