We were engaged, love… and I broke up with you. You were immature, and told me you weren’t willing to work on our issues because of your pride. So I broke it off, but I can’t get you out of my brain. Every night before I go to bed, you’re the last person I think of and when I wake, you’re the first person I think of as I roll over and imagine you lying there, smiling.

All those memories!! When we used to walk around the lake and hold hands, when we went to the art museum and we admired the same pieces of art together, when we would go eat sushi because it was our favourite food, when we would sit out under the stars and I would rub your hands til you fell asleep and I would rest my hand on your head and thank God that He had put you in my life. And…What about that time we sat in your room just talking with candlelight and R&B playing in the background. Sometimes I still hear those songs and think of you instantly with tears streaming down my face.

We still talk everyday. I love having you there, but at the same time, it hurts even more cause I know I could just say “I want you back” and we could start over. But you haven’t matured. You weren’t there for me when I needed you. You didn’t really believe that I loved you when I left. I suppose you saying that I never loved you hurt the most. I have never loved someone like I have you, so that’s a lie!! You were my first… and I wanted with all my heart for you to be my last. I don’t want to wait for you because I don’t want you to change for me. I want you to change for you so you’re finally happy, but I have too much hope I suppose, so I still see you…

Hanging out with you kills me but I love it. I love that I still get to see you smile because it still gives me butterflies, but I hate that I can’t hold your hand. I love that I get to catch up on your life, I just hate that I can’t be the main part of it. I love that I still get to read your tattoos, I just hate that I can’t caress them. I love that I get to see your beautiful blue eyes, I hate that I can’t make them light up by kissing you. I love that I still get to hug you when I say goodbye, I just hate that I can’t squeeze you and hold you so tight like I used to. I love that I can sometimes slip out your old nicknames and you don’t seem to mind, but I hate that it’s not the real thing. You asked me recently “Do you think we’ll be separate forever?” but those are words that only you can answer. I’m not the one with the issue, love.

Why couldn’t we have loved each other and pushed through all the problems? Why couldn’t you have put away your hurtful words and loved me like you said you did?

I’ll be honest… I want you back…But I can’t take you back… Sometimes I just look up at the sky and cry out; “Please, God, if you’re there, just fix the hurt!! By some miracle put us back together and make it work!” But that was up to you, love. You had your chance. So until then, whether by you changing or us just accepting the fact that we are never to be, I got you on my mind always.