Dear ex,
4 months. It’s been 4 months since you told me I was too much and that we were too argumentative to carry on. It had been a long 6 months of us being together. For the first 3 months, I was head over heels. I loved the way you smiled, your laugh brightened my day and I couldn’t possibly think about any kind of ending that we would reach. We were both young, and over time, we grew tired of each other. I yearned for something more and became tempted to seek comfort in another’s arms whilst you grew closer to the girl I despised. And then the honeymoon period was over, and the last 4 months became a journey I wish I had never experienced.
I couldn’t talk everyday like you wanted. I became weary, anxious and constantly down. I wasn’t the happy, bubbly girl you once knew me as anymore, and this transferred onto you. I knew I didn’t love you and I didn’t know why I had become like this. A part of me wanted us to finish and end this never ending circle of ignoring each other for days and then loving each other the next – but the other part of me needed you. You became a fundamental part of my very existence. You were my rock whom I could turn to if I was feeling upset or down. And when the end came and you sent me that text (a text after so many months was pretty lame, by the way) I cried. But I told myself this would be sweet relief and after the pain had settled, I would be happy because I still had the rest of my life to live.
But now it’s February 2017. It’s been almost 4 months since you left me. It’s been 4 months since the switch in my mind was flicked and I became someone new. This new me feels worthless, like I will never be anything to anyone. This new me struggles everyday and doesn’t enjoy things like she used to. This new me sees you texting that girl you talked crap about to me all the time. This new me sees you everyday in the corridor with a smile stretched across your face, laughing with your friends whilst I stand away from you feeling helpless. I don’t know why I feel like this.
I suppose the worst thing about all of this is that you do not know this new me. You do not know how you left me and how you made me feel. You live your life as normal, carrying on and really enjoying yourself, whilst I feel like this – down in the dumps, depressed and scarred from the way you left me. Although I cared about you, I want you to know what you have done to me and how you have ruined these past few months. You have clearly not felt my pain and I want you to. I want you to know how much this hurts and how much you have caused my mental health to deteriorate so rapidly.
Although I wish you and her the best in whatever happens, there is a little something called respect. What you do behind closed doors is up to you and is no concern of mine, but there is simply no need for you to rub this salt into my wounds. You may as well have thrown your phone in my face with the way you acted today. In some ways, I think it is more interesting how a person treats you once you are out of a relationship than it is whilst you are in one.
I hope one day you will understand why I wrote this. My tears are drying now, but a few months ago I could have easily flooded my entire bedroom. In a few months, I will have moved away and will never have to see you again and honestly, I can’t wait for the sweet relief. I will keep on keeping on and I will live my life, because I will not give up like I have wanted to so many times these past months. I have the rest of my life to live and so do you.
I wish you well.
Xx