Dear Siege,

No matter how hard I try. No matter what I do. The flame that makes my tummy turn my heart burn my throat close won’t extinguish. I try to subdue it with endless streams of distractions. All it takes is a thought of you and it begans to flicker. An image of your beautiful face and the flame grows steady. A memory sparks a fire that begins in my heart. My senses stir. I try to desperately stop it. No please dont take me there!

Then i recall everything as if it were yesterday. I hear your voice i smell your smell I feel your touch i see your smile i taste your sweet love. Oh my God stop please! I begin to panic as my throat my tummy my loins my mind every fiber is as a raging wildfire. Pure love has taken a hold. Its unstoppable. Untouchable. Unbelievable. The burn is intensified by 1000% degrees. The heat of this love inflicts my soul. I begin screaming! I’m sorry! Forgive me! Make it stop! Help me! I’m dying! Crystal! Mom! Grandma! Help me! Someone!

Deliver me Lord! I’m finally able to cry out! It burns! It hurts! I can’t breathe! I can’t speak. I search desperately for relief. Hunched over I’m fighting for air. Gasping for every single breath.

Im struggling with my words, I dig deep within, and out of nowhere I mumble “Lord! What do I do!?” He replies instantly “reach out your hand” I do as He says. He grabs it and leads me off.

Im able to breath but unable to to see. Where am i going? Did i die? Finally we stop, He motions me to look up and I see your name before me.

He looks directly into my soul and boldly says “reach out to her” I pause and whisper its hopeless. He sits me down and He places my trembling hands upon the keyboard. I take a deep breath in and exhale slowely.

My fingers begin to slowly type. Words I can never say to anyone else. Words from deep within. Unsaid. Untouched. I pour out the love in my soul I pour out the love in my heart I pour out the love in my spirit. I say “Lord this is in vain she wont read it she wont reply.” He replies “Love is never vain keep going”

I then reach inside me and i pull my heart out. I place it upon my sleeve. Its bare vulnerable fragile pieced glued stitched scarred. My body my soul my spirit still ablaze trembling as i finish the last sentence. I sit back and see that my cup is completely bare.

The Lord says “remember the word.” I grab it and it reads

Lamentations 3:21
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.

I look at my last words “LOVE CONQUERS ALL” The Lord says “remember there is always hope” I begin weeping joyful tears! Rejoicing! Praising! Worshiping!

Silence….the blessed quietness rushes over my soul. The burning subsides. It is but a flicker of a light now.

I feel nothing but peace. And filled with a new hope that one day you will read these words. A hope that they so pierce your soul heart and spirit you have no choice but to believe. A hope that one day the love will lead you exactly where you belong. A place God himself made anew just for you! Your home, my heart!

Until then I will continue to pour out my cup of love each time it fills and I can no longer contain it. And refill it with the never ending love that seers me so.

I can’t make it stop. I can’t make it leave. I can’t suppress it. I can’t forget it. I can’t erase it. I can’t control it. What am to do? I don’t enjoy this. I don’t wanna be labeled a stalker. I don’t want to bother. It kills me to think everytime I reach out you get more and more disgusted. My head says leave my heart says don’t.

The constant rejection. The constant affliction. The constant pain. The constant sorrow. Is worth it. Because your worth living for your worth dying for your worth fighting for. If I’m given only a second of time to spend with you. I will die cherishing that one second. Cuz for that one second my heart was whole again. One second of wholeness is better than a lifetime of emptiness. Do you not feel the same way? I wish I can just get an answer. I love you with all my heart! Please come home.

C