Jay,

One year later, and I’m still where I was back in February – May 2016.

I don’t even know what to write, I have so much going on in my head. Everyone can’t believe that I still struggle, they thought time would heal, but I guess not. How we ended was a joke really, you should’ve just ended it there and then, instead of leading me on giving me hope and then to go to getting into a relationship straight away with the first girl that showed interest basically a week after you ‘broke it off’ with me for good, when really you just didn’t give me any explanation but instead you just ignored me, blocked me, blocked me, blocked me.

My friends compared me to her, but I told them to stop, they bad mouthed you, but I told them to stop, they called your new girlfriend names and said I’m prettier, but I told them to stop because we all know well she’s gorgeous too! I don’t know what it is about this whole situation, although I’m still heartbroken and miss my best friend and love, the way I genuinely feel is if you’re happy, I’m happy too. All I ever want for you is to be the happiest you could ever be. You are the most amazing, beautiful, handsome man I will ever meet, and whatever you end up doing, you are going to achieve so much because underneath the funny, bubbly guy that everyone loves, you are the most compassionate, loving, caring, witty, driven person I know. We all have our faults and although you may have thought they bothered me, they didn’t.

Being with you for years was such a huge learning curve for both of us. I cannot thank you enough for it all and for loving me and being my best friend for as long as you could. Although I miss you with all heart, we both know the timing just wasn’t right for us. But the love between us will always be there, even if it’s a tiny microscopic spec on your side, I know what we have is real. Back in December 2016, we spoke for the first time in 7 months at a mutual friends party. Obviously we were both drunk, but I can’t describe how much I cherish that conversation, despite the fact I was happy, sad and confused after it. For months before, anytime we crossed paths at parties, you just threw dirty looks my way, or just got blatantly ignored. But because I know you more than you or anyone else does (your own words), I let it slide because I knew you can’t deal with any sort of negative feelings/situations.

The things that were said that night probably should have been said due to the fact you’re in a relationship and it was extremely disrespectful to the naïve girl, but nevertheless, a lot was said. We caught up on what was going on in our lives, most of which we had already heard through the grapevine, we reminisced, but then we wallowed for bit on what went wrong and how we’re both the only people who really knows the other. You said you can’t tell your girlfriend you love her because of me, we nearly kissed but I stepped away and then we shared a taxi home. I think you were shocked and really taken aback when I said I was happy for you and your new girlfriend, which I genuinely am… it’s so messed up that I’m ok with you being with someone else. I do worry though, worry that you’re not 100% happy. It’s one year on and I still struggle daily, I still get upset, I still smile about us, I still cry, I still miss you. So, I worry that because you never gave your chance to get over us that inevitably, at some stage you will have to grieve. I’m just scared this relationship you’re in now will put more stress on you than you need. But at the end of the day I know we’ll both be ok.

As said before, the timing wasn’t right for us. We were so young when we got into a relationship, and to be so in love at that age when we were growing into adults and our lives were changing, responsibilities and life just got in the way of it all. But the love we have for each other will always be there, and if timing ever plays on our part who know what could happen, but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t! I just can’t put into words how bittersweet I feel when I think of you and us. Happy because I spent years with such a wonderful, special person who loved me so much for who I am. And sad, not because it’s over, as there may be a time for us in the future, but because we don’t know each other anymore. In our case, not many of our friends understood how hard the decision was for you… but I did. I always understood, or at least I tried to. We weren’t just each other’s girlfriend and boyfriend, we were the best friends anyone could ask for. So, to lose a partner and a best friend at the same time just made things a hundred times worse for the both of us. But something you didn’t have to go through was that I also lose a best friend because she chose to be your friend over mine when a choice was never asked for… it was because she’s also best friends with the girl you’re now with. Wow you couldn’t write this!

I’m getting on with things, I’ve dated, some of the guys have asked me for relationships but I just want to be single and have fun, I’ve been on amazing trips and holidays, frankly last year was one hell of a year for me, the best and worst yet! This summer I’m heading to America for bigger and better things, and I couldn’t be more excited. Although I still struggle with losing you, our relationship and our breakup has taught me so much and made me a much stronger and independent woman. I don’t really know why I wrote this but I just hope you’re happy.