You were my best friend. The act of typing your name alone brings me into tears. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find someone else who will love me as much as you did. But this girl, she makes you happy and she makes you smile like I made you smile and I know you’ve already found someone who loves you as much as I did. More and better than I ever could. Remember the guy I started talking to? He seemed nice but I let him see parts of me only you had seen and then… he left. For a month he made me forget about you, about how you had moved on so quickly, he made me forget how lonely I was since you were gone, he made me forget about our 5 years together. But now that he’s gone, now that I don’t receive messages at 11 PM from him.. it’s late at night and I can’t sleep, I remember you again.
I remember the first night being thousands of miles away from you gave you the guts to send me that corny pick up line of needing “some vitamin J” in my life. I remember being young, innocent, in love. You taught me how to touch, how to kiss. I remember the several breaks we had because I was a lover men and you, a lover of woman. I remember wishing you would cheat on me so I could have a valid reason to leave but when the time came and reality hit, I didn’t leave, I couldn’t leave. I stayed. I remember being there for you, always, when your world fell apart and you doing the same for me. I remember sending you that message, the one where I expressed not being able to be with you anymore. I remember you being light-hearted about it and not taking it seriously and asking when we would be together again. I remember staying friends, you stayed my best friend. I remember months later seeing you and her. Together. I remember us talking less and less. I remember making a sad stupid attempt for you to remember me by sending you nudes. I remember you asking for more while staying with her. I remember crying myself to sleep in hate and utter disgust with myself for sending them. I remember telling you about this new guy I was talking to and sensing your jealousy between the lines. I remember when you told me to leave you alone. I remeber when you stopped loving me and broke the promise of staying friends forever. Jonathan, you were you are the only one that truly knows who I am, inside and out. You would keep me sane, I have no one now Jonathan. It’s my fault I let you go. And it’s hurting me, I’ve been empty. You’ll never know how I feel, you think it doesn’t bother me, you think I left because I didn’t love you anymore… I left because I needed to learn how to love myself first but now all I am doing is hating myself and now it’s too late. I still love you, but I don’t love myself.
Your recycling human being,