It’s the year anniversary of my submission to you. I remember how awful I felt all those times I begged for your communication with me. All the time I wished I could read your heart so that I had an idea of what was going on in such an emotionally unavailable individual who claimed to be in love with me, but would shut down or avoid my gaze or ask me to leave. I remember our phone call post break up after I moved away and went off to school. The night I told you I had lost a piece of both of us. You had no right to make me feel guilty. No right to be mad at me for not telling you when it happened. I hated that you only felt pain for yourself, but failed to understand what you had put me through and let me deal with on my own. And then had the audacity to claim that your methods were justified out of love. It was just so wrong. I was so hurt, I was tired of the mistreatment, the emotional abuse. I retaliated and I lost myself, I self destructed, I did not value myself. I hurt you too and I admit to that. But for some reason, when I did something it was always so unforgivable. But when you disrespected me, called me names, laughed at me when I would cry out of frustration to your toxicity, I easily forgave. I was easily taken for granted. I was so innocent and inexperienced. But you also taught me and exposed me to things I had never experienced. You sparked my love for travel and appreciation of different cultures outside of my own.
The impact you had on me has altered my perception on life and love, loss, pain and gratitude. You helped me grow up faster than I’d wished, but you helped me learn that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. That no matter how much someone says they love you, you cannot rely on their love. You need to love yourself unconditionally before you can love someone else, the love you give is the love you get. And sometimes that love is not reciprocated to the same extent. And You have to be strong and learn to walk away and not settle for less than the love that you’re worthy of and deserve. I am worthy of love. Worthy to love myself. I understand patience and the concept of space and not losing yourself for the sake of another person or a relationship. The concept of self-love and of simplicity, of trust and peace of mind.
I’m moving to the UK in September. My school has offered me a full ride scholarship to graduate from a prestigious university in Wales. I decided that It was time for me to leave for a while, It’s time for me to travel to do the things we both planned we would do together. To do all the things that are outside my comfort zone, to experience and find myself outside the love that I still have for you. That’s right, I love you. The same way I did when you took me with you to visit your “grandmomma” at St. Joseph’s and I loved you and supported you as best as you’d allow me to, and to the same degree that I did when I said I wanted “Daddy” to be the one to walk me down the isle to you with all of our family present. I’m sorry. It may be irrelevant to you now.. But I know there are also things that I did that were hurtful and unnecessary and I wish I had told you this that night over the phone. I wish I had not lied and used the guy as a means to call you. When really all I wanted was to be comforted by you, to see how you were doing and to tell you that I still loved you and that you were a father. I was scared. I was prideful and I am sorry. You’ve made it clear that you’ve moved on. All I can say is I’m glad you found happiness with someone who you could open up to. Because you never could with me. and it’s okay. I hope you find it to really forgive me one day. You’re not obligated to. I learned that forgiveness is a choice. I forgive you and I forgive myself. Thank you for setting me free and being the one to really show me the way to adulthood.