I wanted so badly for you to be the last one. I wanted to be your only one. I wanted to believe in your words…our future together…our connection. But they never interwined with the real world…your actions…my needs. I’ll never know how you actually felt. I don’t believe that you were ever honest with me. You treated me like I was just a warm blanket to you…like someone to conquer the loneliness with. Just someone to be around. But never someone you were in love with…someone special…pretty…loved. I’ll never understand why it was so easy for you to show warmth and attraction to people you don’t even know, or people who pass in and out of your life, rather than someone who was actually with you…making time for you…thinking about you…investing energy and emotions on you. Over time, I felt dead and broken inside being so close to a person so cold. So unwilling to let any real feelings show. I had been honest with you from the start. I guess you were honest with me too, in some fashion. Not wanting anything serious. Just a someone to pass the time with. I could have been anyone, really. It wouldn’t have mattered. I don’t want to hate you. I don’t want to feel any hate. Or sadness. Or anger. Just relief that now I can be free to be myself and tend my own needs that need mending. To breathe and think without constantly questioning, wondering, and feeling ill at ease. I want to remember the sweet person that I know you can be. I dont want to remember the emotionless voice of robot who is too self- involved, narcissistic, opportunistic and thoughtless to care about how his actions affect others. Hope you find whatever it is you’re in search of. Hope you’re okay. I am. I’ll be just fine. And someday, when I’m ready, I’ll find a person who is capable of loving me fully.
What I wanted vs reality vs what was needed