If you died tonight

If you died tonight

If you died tonight

LTME-postAnxiety still consumes my days. Waking up everyday with the vision of u and all of the women u lied to me about. Constantly obsessing at the fact that I wasnt good enough or pretty enough or fit enough or smart enough…
The CONSTANT emotional breakdown that u tried to put on me. The INCESSANT hurtfulness in your words. To know that I spent 4 years of my life loving u in spite of everything u did to try and break me. Even gave birth to a beautiful little girl that u said u never wanted (with me). All of the pain and the suffering of my heart seemed to be par for the course, because in my mind, it was going to make “us” stronger.

Constantly reaching out to me JUST to keep me from cooperating with prosecution, pretending u still wanted to work things out with me. Allowing me to romanticize something that was never going to happen. I hate u and all that u are….but I love u still….
Now I know what u are. Now I can put my finger on every moment that u lied to me. I can put my finger on every argument u had with me JUST to give yourself an excuse to betray my trust or to abuse me! I can remember all of the hurt and pain I felt each time you walked away from my tears…..when I found out that u had been only 1000 feet away from me with a woman u lied about for MONTHS! Not touching me, rejecting me, never kissing me! U r a disgusting disappointment !!

If u died tonight, the pain I feel would be for my daughter. For her suffering in the fact that her father chose the streets above the family and the life I tried to make for us. The pain I feel would be for all the women and all of the children u have left behind with only a memory of your existence. Reaching out ONLY long enough to see if there’s still room for u there, in their lives, in case the “new boo” doesn’t work out. If u died tonight, there would be a sense of satisfaction in knowing that u are no longer alive to hurt ANYONE else! You’re no longer here in your own misery, punishing women for the lack of love that you feel for yourself.

No apology, no remorse, no sense of regret…nothing. You feel NOTHING for things you’ve done! You even excuse it & find some satisfaction in knowing that women “learn ” from u. What twisted satisfaction comes from breaking hearts and ruining lives? Who does that!?! I would venture to say u have no soul or that u r evil, but thats not fair. I did love u for a reason, but not because of who u are as much as it was because of who u PRETENDED to be. I believe u are merely broken. Shattered like the glass on the floor. Mangled like the trees after a tornado. There is no way to make u “whole” again, only to patch up the broken pieces. What u need is never going to be found in someone else. U will spend your life hurting others because of what you lack. Sure, u cling to God, but u don’t live by his design for us, so u probably will never find peace. It’s unfortunate, because some of the women u have left behind were really beautiful spirits.

God sees all that u do, and one day, u will meet your own pain and suffering with the very same intensity that you’ve given it to others. I pray you find your change before that happens. If for no other reason, let it be for your children (how ever many there are).

I will never forget u, for u have made me better. Your abuse and disrespect and lies have enabled me to be stronger and to pay better attention to my instincts. U taught me what a REAL man is and the characteristics of one who TRULY loves a woman….who loves ME…. because u are NOTHING like him! U have given me a sense of calm and peace in knowing that I NEVER have to be with u again and neither does this little girl that u tried to get me to abort (like so many other women that I had to hear about the entire time). In retrospect, I shouldve walked away, but I THOUGHT u were good to me. Turns out, u were using me and paying for it with false loyalties & betrayal

Yea….if u died tonight, I’d probably do a little jig so be careful out there!!!


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