I really hope you’re well but I already know you are. I know you finally moved out of our little town like I did three years ago. Life is bigger than that place, right? I’ve watched you thrive and live a beautiful life without me over the past years. You know, parts of me are so happy but others parts are broken by the thought that I was forgotten by you.
I know I left that small town and met someone new and fell in love with him. I know he loves me more than you ever could and he helps me when you didn’t know how to. He has grown from his mistakes and has blossomed since I knew him at the age of 15. I love him in ways I never could love you in. But saying that, I loved you in ways that I could never love him in. I think I thought when you married someone that life comes together but that isn’t the case. We have both failed our marriage. You grow and you learn but it’s hard to build it up after mistrust. I never had mistrust with you. I never thought you were uninterested in me until the day you were uninterested in me.
Looking back at our teenage romance, you being 15 and I being 17, I’d like to still think it was love or what we thought love was at the time. But sometimes also looking back, I don’t think you ever loved me at all. I sometimes think that I loved you so hard and heavily that I wouldn’t of been able to even see if you loved me or not. I didn’t plan on loving you though, ever. When Tanner and Maddie kept hinting, I was like “he is fifteen” but it worked and I loved you for those nine months. You gave part of yourself to me that night in June and I promise to keep that within myself special for you forever.
He was my rebound, you told me when I came home. You’re right, but we picked up right where we ending things right before I started dating you. Sometimes I know he loves me more than I love him. Lately it’s been that way more and more. I’ve been reading up on love and how it shouldn’t be obsessing over the person, it should be living lives and coming together with your person to make each other lives better because you want to be there. I didn’t know that until twenty-one.
I was really fucked up with my eating disorder and self harming. You didn’t know much about that because I knew it scared you. God, I was a mess when I was with you. I apologize for putting you through suicidal shit when you were 15 and then stuff with your grandpa. You know All I wanted to do was to be there for you when he passed. And that night you cried in my lap and I held you, I thought everything was going to be okay. You just needed a friend.
I think of you a lot. I think of that night I came home to the Midwest from the East coast and saw you that spring break. I think of how you held me and let me cry in your arms about him and my heartbreak. Your kiss was familiar and with my eyes closed we were 15 and 17 again. I wasn’t this educated, independent woman I am today, I was the broken, depressed me, the past me. I don’t regret that night because it helped me realize that you aren’t what I want or need anymore. You know, I think I just wanted it to work because it didn’t. But you have to accept things for what they are.
Now, obviously we aren’t ever getting back together and it’s probably best that we don’t see each other when we are both home for holidays. I’d love to see you always and text you always because we grew up together but we can’t. I know it’s hard because you check in on me about as much as I check in on you. I love it. It just takes a piece of me everytime it’s over with.
I’ll always have love for you. And maybe deep down I might have always wanted it to be you. But you’re not that guy for me. I’m not that girl for you. I hope you one day have the beautiful life and family like we talked about. I hope you enjoy it. You deserve a lifetime of love.