I wish I told at 3am that I loved you instead of watching someone else now, I wish I laughed at the silly jokes you told instead of watching someone else now, i wish I held your hand and walked down the street, instead of watching someone else now. I wish I didn’t have to watch my best friend fall madly in love with you when I am, I wish one day you’ll wake up and realise that you still love me, that you’ll realise that she is just a distraction and I am the one but truth is after 3 years of loving you, it’s hard to let go, it’s hard to be ‘just friends’ when all I do is smile when you text me, when I still get these butterflies in my stomach that I try so hard to kill; trying to burn them with the smoke of a cigarette, trying to drown them with my body weight of alcohol or trying to cut myself open like I’m the frog from science class so that someone can just reach inside me and grab them. It’s hard to let go of something that you have tried so hard to hold onto, it’s hard knowing that you’ve moved on, why did you leave? When you promised me that you wouldn’t? You knew I feared being alone because when I’m alone my thoughts swallow me alive, my anxiety overpowers me, my heart races. You knew I was scared of falling in love with you because I was scared of heights but falling for you was like a dream, I couldn’t touch it, I couldn’t stop it. somehow at 4am, we was laughing until we cried and I thought ‘damn I’m fucked’. There’s a story, I’m sure you’ll remember it, you used to love me telling it, on a Tuesday after our maths exam we went to your place, we watched your favourite movie and made out, you didn’t tell me though that you had a plan, that plan was you was going to leave me for my best friend. You left me in the pouring rain, the rain was your thing, you used to love walking in the rain, letting the rain hit you as you walked hand in hand, me on the other hand ran through it like a child, laughing at the way it fell. And suddenly the rain was just wet, stupid and horrible, you took away everything that meant something to me, the stars didn’t shine as bright, the rain didn’t fall funny, the sun didn’t feel as hot, sugar didn’t taste as sweet and that’s the truth about heartbreak, it fucking sucks, it’s as if the air has just been knocked from your lungs. you had my world in your hands and you just let it burn like it was wood on a fire, you took my world and let it crash down, you watched me rebuild this world, only to come back saying ‘baby I miss you’. You didn’t like the fact I was rebuilding everything you broke. You only loved the attention and the thought of me, you loved the idea of loving me and how it made you feel, you loved how many girls hit your phone once you decided to love me, you decided that them girls that could give you a moments was better than the girl that would give you a lifetime, how fucked I’m this that? But after everything I hope you are happy and I’ve come to terms that maybe I can’t make you happy, but I want you to be happy and it’s okay if that isn’t with me, it hurts to know but it’s okay. I wish I could have been good enough for you.
You took away everything that meant something to me