It’s been almost two months right now and there hasn’t been a single day that I didn’t think about you. To be honest, I think about you all the time. I can’t seem to focus on anything else, even though I try.
I have so much regret, I’m so, so sorry that I’ve caused you so much pain. I never ment to hurt you like that. I never wanted us to break up.
I stopped searching for excuses, because there is no excuse. I’m trying to search for the reason why things worked out like this, but I can’t seem to find it.
I blackout when you are mad at me, even though I know you are right. Because yes, I lied to you, I fucked up big time. At those moments I don’t know what to do. I wish I could think clearly in those situations, instead of getting agressive as some sort of defense mechanism. Which is completely unfair towards you. I’m so sorry. I just stood there and did nothing. Didn’t fight.
After that, I thought I had to stay away from you. Stay away to avoid you getting hurt more, since I’ve hurt you too much in our relationship.
I regret that decision. I know that if I fought for you, for us, we could still be together. But that’s also my problem, I tend to understand things when it’s too late, because it already happened.
And now, now I’m afraid of reaching out to you. I’m afraid of visiting you, because I don’t know what will happen. I’m afraid to call you, because calling is too easy. I want to show you that I can put an effort into things. But all I want is to talk to you. I want to hear your voice, I want to see you smile. I miss you. I miss the way you smell, you smell so nice. I miss talking to you about pointless stuff. I miss laughing with you, cuddling with you. I want to play with your hair, I want to kiss you. I want to sleep next to you and you being the first person I see when I wake up. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. Show you that I love you, because I do. I really do. You were, no, are the perfect girlfriend. My future wife, the future mother of my children. I think we would make the best parents and grandparents.
So now, I wrote this letter, just for me because I know you will never read it, even though I want you to read it. But I’m scared. I need to step up but I can’t. I’m way too insecure, you know me.
Every day I hope you text or call me, but I know you won’t, because I’m the one who walked away.
Dispite everything, my addiction to you will never go away. I know we belong together, I know we do. We are a great team. But right now, I’m a pathetic excuse of a man and just too afraid to do something about it. I really want to express my emotions, but I never really learned how. I really want to cry, but I can’t. I don’t know how. Maybe I could when I’m with you, because you are the only person who can make me feel good about myself. The only person who makes me feel safe. My lover and best friend.
I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I hope that one day I will find the strength to make things right.
You will always be my number one.