Hey Jack, (hopefully if I ever show you this you’ll understand)
I’m a mess, hands down, and I guess that I just want to say that I regret it.
I feel like I rushed into letting you go. as everything became too much and my stress and anxiety took over. I guess what I’m saying is my brain was telling me the first thing I had to get rid of was you.
You never knew how to handle me when I had my moments, strapping me to your chest while I struggled to escape heightening my emotions, and leading me to running away standing on my own in my underwear shaking in the corner of my room. Then you’d pull me into bed and hug me even though we both knew my brain was a million miles away. Do you think that helped? Do you think that made things magically better? When I broke down at your house crying while trying to put my shoes on, and again, you pulled me in for a hug. You never really solved the problem just provided a momentary release and I’m truly sorry for that.
The truth; if you’d have hugged me when I first tried to break up with you and told me everything is going to be alright and left me alone for a couple of days, I probably would’ve believed you, and we would never have got here.
I’ve spent these past three weeks waiting for you to come grovel to me, beg me to come back to you and be with you, but that hasn’t happened yet. I guess that means you don’t love me as much as you say/said you did. I know it’s stupid to feel like this, I broke up with you remember, but one word from you and I’d be back at your doorstep in a heartbeat.
I let a lot of things slide in our relationship not complaining (too much) about the constant messages and check ups or the wanting to be with me all the time. I did this because I know how much she hurt you, how much you needed to do that to let your own anxiety lay rest. I get it, I do. It just made everything so much harder. I felt like I was often dealing with the boy who had been torn into a million pieces it was hard, I cared so much for you and Im still trying to make it better. When you said I Love you so early- was it because you were worried you were gonna lose me too? because I look back on it now and that’s what it appears and Im so sorry. I don’t wish what you went through on anyone.
My main issue is when I’m in the same room as you, all I want to do is touch you and talk to you and love you again. The relationship had turned toxic, we could never see each other outside of college and not have sex, it had got that bad. We were so attracted to each other it affected the way we interacted together.
I know this is only the start and it’s probably gonna get much worse after Reading, but I hope when I show you this it will make sense of some things. I just had to get these thoughts off my chest. All that’s left to say is that I will always love you and would you ever take me back?