It took me a long time to realize my mistakes and what I lost

It took me a long time to realize my mistakes and what I lost

It took me a long time to realize my mistakes and what I lost

LTME-postKenzie Lou,

Here I sit on this Friday night, and I find myself thinking of you. It’s been over two years since you decided we weren’t meant to be. I can honestly say it is still very hard for me at times. I am reminded of you or think of you often and it hurts that I’m not able to tell you what I am about to write in person.

You are getting married in the spring. Turns out it’s the same venue that my sister is getting married, only a week after her special day. It’s actually the way I found out you were getting married, while visiting the venue with my family, the wedding coordinator referenced a date for the Pruitt/Crews wedding by mistake. My heart dropped. What were the odds? My mom looked over at me with a bewildered look, and all I could do was smile and laugh to myself.

Flashback to late June 2013. It was about the 5th day that week I had gone to the Sonic to get my drink and peppermints before golf. I had always thought you were cute, but it was that day you told me that you wouldn’t be there much longer. Little did I know that we would become best friends. The first date-the Sounds game-my Coke shirt-your peach shorts. How could I forget?! We met at an odd time in my life. I was confident, arrogant, didn’t think about marriage or a family. I was selfish. You were unlike anyone that had come into my life. You were cute, a Christian woman, very much a family girl, and one of the most compassionate women I had ever met. I didn’t think much of things at first, we had our date, you went out of town and we didn’t speak much. But once you returned, we went on another date, to the movies. We rode around the neighborhood. There was something about you!

You moved into your new place. You had a big girl job and were growing up. I was the older boyfriend who was always busy and came over late, after work or after golf. You always waited for me. You were the most loyal woman I have ever met. We found out about “it”. I feel like it brought us closer together. I remember in the days after we found out, I would lay in your bed and watch you brush your hair in your bathroom. I always watched, even though when you would look over, my eyes would be closed. It was then I knew I was in love. We were in this together. I remember nights in your bed, we would just laugh together. For no reason, we just laughed. It was care free, easy love. You were a blessing in my life, and I loved being around you.

After about a year, things got a little difficult. The intimacy had diminished, but I didn’t feel as though our love was dying. You knew I loved you and I knew you loved me. Work was stressful for me, as was traveling. You never left my side. You expressed concerns and I took you for granted. We use to watch shows together in bed, and I would hold you while we slept the whole night. You would kiss me in the morning when you left for work, you would hang my golf clothes up. I would go and get you Special K fruit and berry cereal before I went and played. Things were tougher, but I felt like our love was stronger and deeper than ever.

Despite my outward appearance of confidence, I never felt like I was good enough for your family. I didn’t go to church, and my relationship with my family wasn’t at the same level as yours. I also wasn’t confident in how I looked. I was losing my hair(genetics and stress are a bad combo) and rarely felt comfortable dressing up. I didn’t want people to see me without a hat. It’s the reason I didn’t go to weddings with you, it’s the reason I didn’t go to church. It’s sad, because I know you would have helped me through it. In so many ways, the hat was hiding more than just hair loss, it was hiding me and the real person I was. I felt as though it was more important to be mysterious, to be Kenzie’s boyfriend that no one knew personally but they knew she loved him. It was all so stupid. You just wanted me to be by your side, not just alone, but in the real world. You wanted my time and love all of the time, not just when I felt like showing it. I think I knew I was losing you, you would never admit it, but I just felt so powerless.

When you decided enough was enough, I panicked. I acted crazy, I couldn’t stand change. Selfishly, I was worried that losing the one person who overlooked my imperfections would lead me to have to expose myself to the world or someone new. Make no mistake, I loved you more than anyone in my life, but losing you sent me in a spiral in many ways. I was never jealous before, I was never that volatile before, I was never accusatory before. I felt wrongly portrayed as a monster. I couldn’t understand that your decision was for the best. Perhaps the better way of putting it was I chose to not believe your decision was for the best.

I read most every article online about how to get someone you love back. It was crazy. I tried everything. I know you felt sorry for me. How the tables had turned. The arrogant, older boyfriend who was popular and loved by everyone was now lonely and dependent on someone who chose to not have him in her life. It was the worst feeling in the world. I worried about you daily, especially at night. I worried about your long days at work, I worried about you and money, I worried about you and life in general. I talked to close friends and they all told me to give you space, but as you know I struggled.

I always knew the first guy you dated after our breakup would be the guy you would marry. It’s the reason I tried so hard to win you back. You knew what you wanted and wouldn’t settle for someone who was a 2 year mistake. I am sure he is a wonderful guy, but this isn’t about him. It never has been and never will be.

I am sorry. I am sorry for not putting the same amount of passion into the relationship that you did. I am sorry you didn’t get my best shot. I am sorry for being selfish. I am sorry for hurting you throughout the relationship. Believe me, I have felt more pain in the last two plus years than someone should endure in a lifetime. Recently, I have been dreaming about you. I want so badly to share a hug and to let you know that I still care for you. I am happy that you are happy and are progressing in life. I had a procedure done to fix my hair issues. Work is going well for me, career goals are being met and life is generally good. I have not met another woman like you and know that I never will. You weren’t perfect but you were the most beautiful person to ever come into my life. I know it won’t ever be the same, but my love for you will never go away. I don’t know how to stop loving you. It sounds sad, but don’t worry about me. Someone once told me that if you can be friends with an ex, then they never meant that much to you. It took me a long time to realize this.

I doubt you will ever read this, but it doesn’t matter. God will make sure you know how I feel, in some way. I wish you all the best with your wedding and your future life. I love you AMC and I will never forget you.


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