It is only through the clarity of retrospect that I’m able to recognize and acknowledge that I have not been a suitable partner within the past year. And, though such circumstances were other-imposed, I did have the responsibility to regulate and respond to my emotions in a healthy and productive manner. I did no such thing. I turned to escapism, anger, and isolation, avoiding the foggy haze of distraction rather than face the pain of grief. As such, I was unable to fully recognize and attend to your needs in a manner that felt adequate. All the while, you were patient and attentive when listening to me. I was embarrassed to tell you how truly broken I was last winter and spring; I was hoping I would somehow move out of that state but I did little to counter and confront the sources of my frustration, anxiety, and grief. If I could go back and do it again, I would.
There is a part of me that wishes we could resolve our issues. There is part of me that wants to contact you and tell you that I miss you and that I wish we hadn’t ended things so quickly. There is a part of me that admits I was moody and hormonal on that October morning when I overreacted. There is a part of me that wants to fully admit and recognize that there were times I acted out in our relationship, rooted in my own insecurities. There is a part of me that admits I am capable of being immature and petty. There is a part of me that wants to tell you I am incredibly sad. There is a part of me that thinks and knows we could have worked out our issues.
You are the sweatshirt I wear on a cold night. You are the fuzzy sherpa blanket that warms my feet. You are the sweatshirt that I will forever want to return to.