Implementing a no-contact agreement for our emotional health was not an insight borne from your mind. You stole it from me and then punished me with it. Blocking me on all forms of communication at the very moment you perceived I would feel most vulnerable. You were right. I almost fell for it, again. You excel at perceiving a wound and provoking maximum pain. But you are not capable of coming up with your own ideas to resolve that wound. That is why my request, tonight, for you to meet me halfway felt like a criticism to you. I was placing faith in you, not doubt. But I was wrong to do that. You know, better than I, that you are an empty shell that assimilates the qualities you envy in me and then attempts to destroy that part of me by proving me a fool for trusting you. That way you can fully claim my positive trait as yours and point to my break down as proof that you are the emotionally stable spouse.
But there is something that you dont understand about people that have their own traits. Things we discover about ourselves and nurture. We never have to steal them from others in order to cover a gaping hole in our souls. Your original source of pain left nothing inside the hollow shell that used to be a loving, trusting child. …Its not possible to take away any part of who I am completely if I do not allow it. You can hurt me temporarily and I am less likely to bring my positive traits to the surface right away. The scene must be examined and the evidence processed. I have to repair the wound that was ripped open in me. The one from my childhood that you have never wanted to see healed. But I will always come back wholeness in time. To being me.
The traits that you envy, and take on, are still mine. They will always belong to me. My traits make up a colorful, dynamic, independent entity that learns, grows and gets stronger the more I am away from soul sucking vampires like you. I am a separate, unique soul. No matter what personalities are around me, I have the ability to hold on to myself. I do not need to hurt my loved ones and take what they have created within themselves. When you are scrambling and scheming in fear without me….my peace will be growing. You needed me to feel good about yourself. I only need to exist and be me, away from you, to feel better. I do not envy you this loss. The pain you tried to force on me will still be yours. Im handing it back. I hurts really badly, I hope you can handle it.
How unimportant and lonely you must feel to destroy someone who was never a true threat, just to feel real. You do not even know that you are already a real person. You do not even have awareness of what the rest of us know so easily. It is no wonder you are so full of ugly jealousy. You should be. Most people envy the huge accomplishments and special gifts of others. But you are so devoid of anything authentic, that you are envious of the most basic things we are all given and able to keep. An identity.
This is why you have not helped us with ideas and resolution. You cannot heal with me, while concurrently sucking away my positive traits for yourself. You really had no way of matching my efforts. You have nothing of your own, just hate. But you didnt have to deceive me and steal my goodness and try to leave me without. I offered you other options.
Because my goodness belongs to me, I have the ability to manifest more and more of it at will. Its self perpetuating. All you had to do was ASK me to share it with you. I would have. Just by asking in true care for both of us, you would have already started to produce some of your own. I talked with you about the much more fulfilling effects of wanting to help instead of temporarily pretending to. But instead, you lured me in with false hopes, twisting everything around. While I was busy picking my guts up off the floor, you kicked me and stole what you envied. But it will fade for you by tomorrow. And you will be on the hunt again.
We are all capable of hurting others on purpose like you do. What makes you inferior, is the very fact that you believe we are all just as mean and hateful as you are; so you choose to destroy us while we are still innocent. If you had not assumed that…you and I would not have hurt each other much at all. …I put my faith in you. You doubted me. I showed up for you. You abandoned me.
I offended a scheming, lying, energy thief who is hurt by the natural consequences of his self focused behaviors. My pain became blame and shame inside of you and to make it right, I had to be punished.
My punishment will be temporary because I can process it into wisdom and insight for my future. I have the ability to reality check my circumstances and compare what I find with what I already am. I will extract the helpful and healthy, while throwing away the useless and trite. By doing this, I make me. And I am an endless spring of what I am made of.
Your punishments will become more elaborate and harder to escape, as time goes by, if you keep choosing The Ego over real Self. His appetite will grow. And I am truly scared for you when The Ego figures out that you were unable to fool me into staying this time and that you will lose your 8 year investment into systematically breaking me down for lifelong control. All the energy wasted on manipulations that actually ended up causing me to leave, because you just were not convincing enough. He is going to tear you to shreds with insults. And I won’t be around to dump on.
Right now I feel like an idiot, an unloved and unworthy piece of discarded garbage that isnt worth anyones time. You abuse and destroy others because this is how you feel about yourself all of the time. And I would feel sympathy instead of pity and disgust for you, if you were not in control of what you are doing to me. But you know right from wrong and you choose to give in to the darkness. Its 100% your fault that you are like this as an adult. You know its horrible. Thats why you lie so much about yourself to those who dont live with you. If you weren’t aware, you would be grandiose about your exploits. You would boast about all the so-called ‘weak’ women you managed to use up and throw away. You would openly admit the things you say to me in private about your entitlement. But you save that behavior only for your wife. You depend on my inherent boundaries to never go as low as you do. You always have the upper hand because you are willing to do anything to “win”. You rely on my strong need to protect and nurture to keep your sickness quietly under wraps for fear of judgements on us and maintaining some kind of order. All the while, beating it into my psyche that you think I am worthless. Well, your enabler has had enough.
In my view, you are worse than the person who modeled this abuse for, and on, you. He does not believe that he is doing anything wrong. He is the same all the time. But you, are aware. You know that you can choose to be kind. You put on the show to others whom you want to impress every day. Many secrets swirl around your head that you will never admit to. Because you know they would reveal your true nature. You intentionally choose to unload all of your shame onto me. Weighing me down with your self loathing so that you are light and free to go seduce others who have qualities you would like to someday harvest for personal use.
I AM GIVING YOU BACK ALL OF YOUR SHAME.
I am not the aggressor. You are. I did not target you and lie about who I was. You did. I did not change into a different person, convincing you to quit your job, move you into my home and then refuse to give you any money or emotional support. You did all of that to me. I did not disappear for days on end after you got badly injured in a car accident. Rejecting every phone call and plea for help, with full knowledge that you were caring for 4 small kids alone. Daddy is guilty of that series of harmful choices. You are Daddy, btw. And it became one of your favorite games. I was not secretly unfaithful since the day we met, yet married you anyway in the hopes that “saying the vows would force me to be faithful.” That was you. We both found out that your magical thinking wasn’t so magical. With the 4 month long affair overseas, plus 4 other smaller ones AFTER vows were said. Again, you. If you are reading this, now will be the time that you protest that I am guilty of infidelity too. You’re right, I am. There was that one night, in 2015, that I weakly and stupidly chose to seek comfort from another man. I believe you told me that you and your girlfriend, at the time, had a hearty laugh about how pathetic I was? Ok…you can have this one.
AND finally, I did not do all of those horrible things and many other daily abuses, only to claim that it was all justified and deserved. Because, when all you knew to be true came crashing down as false, you raised your voice, cried out and became otherwise inconsolable. Daring to look to me for answers. No, Aaron, you did all of that to me. All by yourself. Without my input or consent. And you have not even attempted to stop. If I had been a control freak/ ball and chain, as you accuse, I certainly would have created a much better partner for myself than the one you came up with for me. …What I am accountable for is staying with you for so long. In doing so, I agreed with you, by showing you more compassion than I ever received, that my kids and I are not worth far better treatment. But, WE ARE. And I am resolving that issue now. Shame breeds in silence and self worth thrives in the light…See you in court.