Please don’t respond to this email.
After giving myself time to heal over these few months, with the reality setting in and coming to true acceptance of everything, I just want to tell you all this and move on and clear my conscious. Read it all or not. I want to start 2018 completely fresh and hopefully fully move past all of this.
This whole situation was a cluster fuck of bad communication and misunderstandings and I take complete responsibility for it.
The break up took me as a surprise, but the fact that you felt guilty about my problems is what really shook me. It broke my heart. It made me feel like you deserved better than me. So much better. I truly felt like I was a burden. Marlene, it’s why I said, “Go see other people and see if you still want to be with me” because I just thought at the time, I was holding you back from happiness. Its why I said the things I said and done the things I did. I felt like a shitty person and I pushed you away subconsciously cos it’s what my depression has always made me do with people, I have self-destructive tendencies and I go in to an auto pilot and I turn in to a self-hating, selfish coward and I end up withdrawing myself, like I always have, to try and deal with it.
I’ve done it with Ciaran that’s why he talks to all those people, with friends at school growing up, I done it when Phoenix died and now you. Even done it with that guy I told you about who I pick up to go to class, who was in a LDR like ours. It’s a character flaw I have because of my overthinking of everything I do wrong and severe anxiety.
If anyone knows how anxious I am about my depression and how self-conscious I am over certain situations and my image, it’s you. You are literally the only person I could ever talk to about it. I could never talk to my parents or have the guts to go to therapy because of the fear of the reaction id get, in a way that wasn’t healthy. When you blamed yourself, I felt like I couldn’t tell you anymore out of fearing you’d blame yourself further. I hated myself so much and just bottled everything up to try and deal with it.
I realise that you might’ve seen the things I said, the things I done, the perceived indecisiveness and the lack of communication as me moving on. Again, a giant misunderstanding but totally understandable considering I isolated myself from the whole situation and tried to act fine. I see now that you saying ‘you look to be enjoying your freedom, wouldn’t be surprised to see you hanging out with girls’ and always looked at my find a friend or what I was doing. That’s possibly why you decided to move on so fast yourself. I’m so truly sorry if my actions caused you to question yourself, made you feel insecure and unloved. Please know this Marlene. The absolute last thing I’d ever had done, was choose or look for someone else, over you. It hurts thinking you might’ve thought I’d be able to do that and I’m so sorry if my actions made you think that. We spent 4+ years together, you were my absolute best friend and the best thing in my life, I focused everything around a future with us because I loved you that much. There wasn’t ever, and I doubt will be, for a long time, someone that could replace you.
After you’d really moved on, I had a meltdown of emotions and was filled with anxiety, self-hate and regret, because losing you wasn’t ever what I wanted. My depression clouded my mind to where I was delusional to think things would be ok, it makes you do and say things you don’t mean because your reality is skewed. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Over those number of months, I was at times childish, disrespectful and tried to gage reactions from you with the petty things I said and done like some of the posts I made on reddit or things I posted on snapchat. Misery loves company, and it was ultimately, completely and fully inappropriate. I severely regret it all.
I know the stuff I did was wrong and how things ended was just so stupid and could’ve been avoided so easily, in hindsight. I let my personal problems corrupt our relationship, and when given the chance to fix things, I didn’t take it because of my guilt of feeling like I was a bad boyfriend and that you deserved someone who was so much better. I can’t blame you for not wanting to fix things after I had a clearer head and I’m sorry I lashed out at you for that. You are right you can’t be expected to read my mind when I’m not communicating.
Like fuck me, there was even a point where there were questions over if we were together or not and I was so ashamed of myself, to the point where I couldn’t say I loved you, because I felt like I didn’t deserve to. You had always been a supportive, kind hearted and understanding person. While my problems that I was too scared to deal with had ended up hurting you, I felt like a truly terrible person. I was in a bad place and I just distanced myself because of how conflicted I felt, instead of acting clear minded and mature towards the situation, and again I’m sorry.
In the weeks leading up to the break up I was more focused on the start of school, the frequency we’d talk and the next time you’d visit rather than being a good boyfriend by communicating all the worries I had., and telling you how lucky I was, how much I appreciated and loved you.
I’m sorry for letting things get the way they did and in the end, I totally left you alone to your own devices, to face your emotions and left your questions unanswered. I was stupid. I wasn’t in a good place mentally overall, to communicate my feelings when it mattered and that’s not how a mature, serious relationship should be.
In the end, part of me got too complacent and took our relationship for granted, I got too comfortable with the idea that you’d always be there, that in some ways, I was ignorant to how seriously bad the situation was. I thought in a sense we were invincible because of how long we were together and could work through anything, fight through thick and thin for each other, but I was caught up in my guilt, rather than concentrating on the now and fixing all the mess that was caused.
I know there isn’t anything I can say or do that will change the past or fix the pain I caused. I know it’s too late for anything to change but all I want you to know is that I understand. You handled the whole situation to the best that you could. You were mature, forgiving and honest, while I was not. Even though I had problems with my mental state and all the emotions, I was overly persistent, over thinking everything and disrespectful to your decisions. I regret my actions so much.
“If things are meant to be, they will be. If they aren’t, you just need to trust that the universe has a plan for us all.”
We were brought together by complete chance, it wasn’t forced, just like all good things in life. I tried to force reconciliation and that was wrong.
This was all a really unfortunate situation that happened at a really bad time, one I was not prepared for mentally, and I’m sorry it happened. I take full responsibility for it all and I’m just so sorry I allowed my depression and anxiety to change me as a person to lead to all of this, I’m ashamed of these last few months. My anxiety has always been a big part of my life, and I’ve never been willing or brave enough to fix it, I just tried to live with it. Its affected me going for jobs, doing things I enjoy, being social and made me hesitant to doing things that you wanted to do during the relationship. I’m sorry for letting it take such a big tole, and to partly lead to all of this.
I’ve learned a lot through therapy, and self-reflection, and will continue to. I’ve been working so hard on fixing those problems and learning from them, to communicate these problems better and be better overall, and just make sure something like this never happens again in my future.
I wish I could’ve told you all this face to face, but I sincerely hope you have a good 2018 and an overall awesome life, Marlene. You brought so many positives to my life and I’m proud to have had you in it for 4 1/2 years. Wherever you go, whatever you do, whoever you meet I wish you the best. My door will always be open to good people like you.
Goodbye Marlene. Good luck with everything