This is a letter, during this letter I will not call you by your name for many reasons but mainly for one reason. Your name haunts me and i’m working so hard to stop the voice in my head from saying it, so in this letter you will be simply addressed as ‘’you’’. YOU know who you are. You wanted to know how i feel about you but i’m not sure if i can answer that because i don’t know the answer to that. Some days i wake up through the night crying because i miss everything about you, while other times i smoke to stop myself from thinking about all things i now hate about you. Do want to hear the things i hate about you? I used to think telling you would make me feel better but you can’t change what i hate, it’s too late. I learned from a young age that people do what they want despite your feelings. People will always, almost always put themselves first. Everyone is guilty of it, but no one wants to acknowledge it. You are not a bad person, see as I am just as guilty for the things that substantially ended us. When we first became friends it was instant. I never became friends with someone so fast and especially over the internet. It felt amazing to have a connection with someone who was over almost a thousand miles from me and still felt like you were right next to me. Our friendship blossomed within days. Within a few weeks, I felt like I’d known you my whole life. You were exactly 14 hours and 6 mins aways, even though you were almost a thousand miles away from me when I talked to you your voice was the only thing I needed to feel safe. For those months we were together you were the only person who even after you got to know me still looked at me the same. You gave me courage to tell my mom about what happened to me on January 27th, 2016. I told you we went to court but I lied no one knew. I never even talked about it because I didn’t think anyone was listening but you were. You gave me the strength to talk about all the times I was attacked by men, though you might of not been able to help me forget, you helped me forgive. Thank YOU. I missed you. I missed you everyday. You were my number one support and who I spent most of time with. I had two undeserving relationships before you, i never felt the way i felt about you towards anyone else. It almost seemed too unreal. When we broke up the first time, I lost the most important person in my life. One second you were there and the next you were gone. Not physically but mentally i lost everything i fell in love with, we were now two people fighting to make something work only because we knew who we could be together but we were no longer those people. We weren’t fighting for love, we were fighting because we were scared to be broken again. We both changed you put your guards up and i tried so hard to break them down even when i knew they were no longer my walls to touch. You checked out and i was trying so hard to have you check back in.. and you didn’t. Eventually my phone stopped ringing, I no longer had butterflies from your notification. I only felt my heart crush, everytime i opened my phone up there was a new alert that showed proof that i was the only one who wanted us to work. I know at the time you didn’t mean to do some of the things you did or you at the time didn’t understand why i was so upset about it but my goal was never to have you say sorry but for you to listen to how it made me feel. Instead you defended actions that in the end were the final strike to end our relationship. I found myself with so much free time that I had no idea what to do with. We spent so much time together, and all of a sudden it was all gone. All I was left with was this huge hole in heart and life, and I still don’t know how to fill it. I miss you. I miss your voice that was so harsh and powerful, yet relaxing and kind. I miss your hair and the way each individual curl was defined without trying , i miss how loud your car was and even though your car could be heard from miles away when we drove together it felt like there was no one else on the highway but us and the music, my clothes. I miss your body. I miss holding it and cuddling you at night when we were going to sleep. I miss moving my body and you following, I miss being pulled closer and feeling safe, I miss having you next me. I miss your personality, your caring nature (you always took care of everyone else before taking care of yourself), and your open- mind (i told you what i went through and you still looked at me the same). You allowed me to open up to you about every part of my life. I shared so much with you. I know I had a lot of ups and downs, especially more downs, but you supported me through it all. You constantly would kiss the parts of my body that i hurt and remind me that i was beautiful even if i couldn’t see it. Though you saw my scars i never actually saw you looking at them, that means everything to me. I didn’t tell you at first but you knew and didn’t ask, you just understood and it didn’t change anything. Though you did all these things for me i now have to find someone else to do the same. Though you did all these things you always brought a lot of things back. You make me so angry in ways that i have yet to be able to explain. It’s not a hate angry but a disappointed angry. How do you plan a future with someone and then suddenly have to restart with someone else. How do you forget how many kids, what house, what dog, what toothbrushes, what blanket, and what side you planned on sleeping on with someone. HOW? Because i can’t seem to know how to forget. I can’t forget but in my head i have killed our kids, set our house on fire, lost our dog, thrown the toothbrushes away, bleached the blankets, and started sleeping on the couch. Our future became a nightmare that my head loves to live in. I had to ask myself “why fight for someone who no longer sees your worth’’. Why beg someone to love me when all i did was love you, so i gave up i no longer was or felt important in your life but felt like an issue that you didn’t know what to do with. I gave up and you started caring and listening by then there was no point, i was now in love with our memories and not the person you presented to be.
I look for you in every new girl I meet. Our memories flood my mind every time I close my eyes. Your smile is burned into the back of my mind, the heat of your hand lingers on my fingers. I’ve tried everything to drown out our memories, but everything I try just brings up more smiles we had shared, and brings new tears to my eyes. I would rather stay up then go to sleep because i didn’t want miss you for that long. Idk if this gave you any answers on how i feel about you because i mainly just rambled. I might add to this anytime i find myself missing you but i’ll finish this entry with the exact moment i knew i was in love with you. I knew i loved you but there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Here’s when i knew. I took this picture at 3:56 pm…. August 14, 2017. We were visiting your grandmas grave and you were crying. I took a picture of you because the moment was so pure and you were finally you, you were weak but the strongest person i had ever seen. I cried because I knew exactly what you were feeling. We the next day got matching stone rings and though they broke for the time they were on i felt everything you felt. You were mine and no one could change that, not even my insecurities could change that. You hurt me but you loved me like no other person had, your family became so present in my heart. Though the things your parents both did were wrong at times, i knew you couldn’t understand why i loved them so much. They were the older version of you. They made you the person i was in love with. I’m done being angry with you because I know it is only a mask for how heartbroken I feel. Bye.