Hey!
I’m a bit overwhelmed.. to be honest I never thought I would be writing a letter to you. It’s funny how I used to think it would be me and you forever. We even got those dumb matching tattoos and now every time I look down at my arm I am reminded of you. Do you even know how much that sucks? I will be having a good day and one look down and there you are. Sometimes I wish I could just scratch it off like that would completely remove you from my life. But honestly even if I moved to a different city or country you would still be there – in my head. I just can’t delete the memories we created. You may think of all the bad times we had but for me it’s all the times you made me laugh or smile. You were the only person I wanted to talk to or be with. I guess that was my mistake. I put my happiness in your hands and after you left me I realised that it’s too much to ask from you. I put so much pressure on you, probably even drove you mad because no matter how hard you tried it was never good enough. I’m sorry for that. We shouldn’t have rushed into this. We mixed attachment with love. I started to need you too much and when you started to suffocate I couldn’t even give you the thinking space you needed. Sometimes I wonder if we would still be together if I didn’t let my darkness drag us both down and it kills me nor to know.
And I wanted to let you know how angry I am that you decide to give up on us. That you even dared to say that you will always love me but it’s not enough. After everything we been through you just gave up. You don’t even know how much the last month with you hurt me. I saw how you stopped trying for me, how you rather be anywhere but home with me. Yeah, it was wrong of me to go on your phone but deep down I already knew you were talking to someone else. The minute you said you are exploring your options I wasn’t in your future anymore. The future we talked about all the time, we both were looking forwards to it. We even talked about our future kid’s names. We were looking for engagement rings and you just fucking gave up on all of it like it was nothing! You couldn’t even look at me or touch me. I was breaking into pieces right in front of you and you just ignored it all. You ignored my cry for help. It pisses me off that I even let myself to fall in love with you. I though we would make through everything. You promised! And then you went and broke every single one of those promises like they were nothing.
The saddest thing though? I still love you. Despite it all I still do. It breaks my heart that now we are complete strangers. You can’t even look at me or respond to my texts. You moved on so easily and quickly. Makes me wonder if it ever was real for you. I don’t know when or even if ever I will be able to forget all our memories, all the trips we took together, all the I love yous we said to each other but I need to hope that one day I will be fine. Memories of us in Paris or Croatia been haunting me lately too much. I know I could have tried harder, I should have been happier for you but you never saw that I was depressed. That I needed help and I needed your support. I think I just needed you more than you ever needed me. But hopefully there will be a day where I don’t think about you and I am honestly happy. But for now I still miss you, miss us. I miss our bedtime song and how you used to pull me closer at night. How it used to annoy you that was such a fidget before I fell asleep.
I honestly hope you don’t feel as lonely as I do at night when you go to bed by yourself. I hope that someone can clean up the mess I made in your life and fix all the pieces I broke. I just want you to be happy and I wish it could be with me but you made your choice. I need to let go of this hope for us in the future because it’s dragging me down. Maybe to you I seem fine but I am not most days. I just want you think I am okay so you don’t blame yourself for all of this. I am working hard on loving myself again and that’s all that matters. I just want you to remember me how I used to be when we met because that’s the real me. I let the life get best of me but I am getting myself back and this time I will be stronger and happier than ever.
You told me not to wait for you and that you will never want me back. That still hurts.. a lot. But I need to let go of you and our future.
I’m sorry that my love was not enough. But I will love you always and forever. I wish you the best in life and maybe, just maybe one day everything will sort itself out between us.