The way you ended things was not okay

The way you ended things was not okay

The way you ended things was not okay

LTME-postDear Erick,

I am writing this on the day that would have been our dineLA date in Santa Monica. The one I planned 2 weeks prior. The one you told me you were excited for. The one that now happens to be 3 days after you decided I wasn’t a priority and that you couldn’t commit to a full relationship. Why couldn’t you figure that out before asking me to be exclusive? Hell, why couldn’t you figure that out before you started dating? What about being in a relationship made you doubt all of its potential? We had spent plenty of time together for you to really think about whether or not you wanted me in your life. That isn’t something that changes overnight. That isn’t something that is impulsively felt after watching one episode of Black Mirror. While you may use your past relationship with Jane as an excuse for your actions and need to fill a void, I don’t believe it. You knew exactly what you signed up for when you decided you wanted to be exclusive with me. The way you ended things was not okay. It is not you treat a girlfriend or anyone you remotely care about. You owed me the decency to bring up your doubts and concerns the second you had them instead of stringing me along hoping I wouldn’t notice. I shouldn’t have had to pick them out and decode them through distant texts and sudden disinterest. I will never be able to understand your actions or how this has affected you but I can tell you that I have been hurting and am writing this letter to get the closure I deserve. This is for me.

I was hesitant the first time I met you. I had spent the past year going on dates with people who weren’t willing to match the level of interest I brought to the table. Wasting time on people who weren’t ready to get to know me. You broke my 2-month dating hiatus and for the first time in a while it felt like someone was genuinely interested in me. It was clearly mutual and so I began to slowly open up to you and let you into my life. I was so nervous when I went home for 2 weeks, fearing that the traction we gained and connection we had formed would falter and fall through the cracks. It didn’t. That was clear through the constant communication and effort we both put in to staying in touch. Those two weeks changed the way I wanted to interact with you. It felt like I had found the person I was waiting to connect with. But I knew that in the past I had forced things and rushed into them and didn’t want to do the same with you. When you suggested we make New Years Eve plans together I knew it might have been too soon. While I was let down when you cancelled on me, I understood. It felt like maybe we were moving too quickly and I think you recognized that too.

The next week you asked me to be your girlfriend. It seemed like things happened organically for us and that was the most logical next step. We were already exclusive and the only thing that changed was the label. Perhaps that’s where our perception of our relationship differed. I was ready to commit to you and find opportunities to share my life with you. And now I understand that you weren’t willing to do the same. I do not know if your intentions were pure to begin with. I was ready to share my hobbies, interests, milestones, experiences and friends with you under the assumption that you would do the same. I know this would have come with time and was not guaranteed, but I understood you asking me to be your girlfriend as your commitment to try. I saw glimpses of your hesitations with me manifested through not meeting your friends and not letting me into some parts of your life and that undoubtedly made me concerned. But I had my doubts too and could only trust that we would learn to grow and take risks together.

I felt my walls coming up the first time I saw Michelle’s name on your phone. I was nothing but open and honest with you regarding how that made me feel. You validated me and reassured me and told me that you cared. That is when I knew I was ready to build that foundation of trust with you. That is when I felt closest to you. But for some reason I also began to feel the distance. When we weren’t physically together I could sense your lack of enthusiasm over text, the lack of interest in my day, the lack of effort that you used to put in. I will never understand what triggered this or why it happened. But we were in a relationship, one that was initiated by you. That meant commitment, honesty, loyalty and effort. The last time I saw you I felt like we had cleared the air and things were back to normal. We had a great night together and parted ways with plans for today, Thursday. But on Sunday my doubts about you kicked in again and I felt the walls coming back up. On our third date you asked me what my goals were. I told you about running a marathon and all the little steps I had leading up to them (Saturday training, half marathons, interval training). You even hinted that you’d be there to support me achieving them. That’s why I brought up your lack of interest on Monday. I was sad and discouraged and wanted to understand what you were feeling and why you didn’t show any interest in something you knew was important to me. I understand Sunday’s are for your church friends. I understand your ability to invest your focus on single tasks. But that is not an excuse as to the way you had treated me. That night you called and even acknowledged me with a “Hey baby”. Did you know how that phone call would end? Were you hoping I wasn’t as perceptive as I was? It’s unclear to me how you expected all of this to play out. I genuinely felt blindsided and deceived. What I thought were small bumps in the road we could work through were deep unfixable black holes to you.

Our conversation that night is a blur. What I can remember is you telling me that you were consciously being distant and uninterested. You telling me I wasn’t a priority. That you weren’t willing to break down your walls and that I was going to be strung along until I got fed up with it. These words contradicted every single moment we had spent together. The glimpses of hesitation I disregarded earlier now seemed to be more real and unwavering in that moment. When did all of this happen? At what point between asking me to be your girlfriend and now did you decide that you weren’t ready? Even after all our dates and conversations where you reassured your feelings towards me, the most recent one being 2 days prior, we somehow ended up here. Nothing made sense. It still doesn’t. I thought that my transparency with you would have been reciprocated and I was wrong.

I will miss the great times we had together and the excitement I felt every time I saw you. But my understanding of our entire relationship is tainted by the last interaction we ever had. I hope you acknowledge the irony between your words and your actions and reflect on the way you treated me. I deserved better.

It has taken me a while to gather the courage to send you this letter. My intention is not to dwell on the past but to share with you how I felt throughout it all. You may have a different perspective. This is mine. The sadness and hurt I feel are not discounted by the length of time we were together– they are as real as any relationship. I will always have memories of the company, conversations and nights shared with you. But I will also remember how you selfishly disregarded everything we had started together without giving me the respect a girlfriend deserves. I hope you understand.

Good luck.


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