What the fuck? I gave you everything. I understand you were going through a tough time, I understand your history, I understand our time was limited but not this limited.
The time for us to part came so abruptly that I was unable to assimilate everything that happened. The impact struck my heart so quickly that the force shattered it into a million pieces.
Yes I know you arent well but neither am I. Fuck the expectation that Im strong and therefore I should be able to move on.
I lay in your bed and listened to you tell me you love me, you need me and nothing would ever change between us so how did things change so fast? Why did things have to end that way? I watched you sleep peacefully for the last time on the 5th of February 2018. Since then, I havent been able to sleep peacefully.
The only thing holding me together are the notes you have and I swear Ive ruined every single note with a tear. My heart rips apart everytime I read those words.
Everything reminds me of you. I wake up on a Saturday morning and I vividly remember the smell of the food you would make for me. I remember how you would watch me do anything and admire me. I listen to music- happy or sad, they always bring me back to a memory of us. The happy songs remind me of the time we spent in each others arms. The sad songs remind me of what an unfixable sad, depressed mess of a person Ive become.
You always assured me I gave the best advice, I made you ok, you loved talking to me, you needed me. Suddenly you dont need me anymore, its him you need, him who you always assured me you didnt love him as you loved me. Ive always been there for you and I still am there for you. My heart screams deafening volumes for you but youve tuned yours out to mine.
We promised to be together until the time came but why now? Why like this? Why cant I take care of you and continue to show you the love that you deserve?
They say a mans role is to profess his love, provide for his woman and protect her at all times. I stood by all those things. Time and time again, I showed you what you meant to me, didnt matter if we were together or not, I showed you I loved you, I gave you all I could, I made you feel safe and protected.
I completely understand you want to make your dad proud to get over what happened in the past but dont you think he has everything to be proud about? You should be proud of yourself first. Who cares if at first you didnt make the cut at work? What matters is I saw you surpass everyone, I saw you work the hardest, give your 110% and even when you didnt make it you demonstrated grit and perserverance. You are not a quitter or a coward, you have shown great strength and the courage to fight adversity.
Dont obsess about what went wrong, instead appreciate what you achieved and learn from your mistakes, dont let your failures define and control you, let them drive you positively in a way that is healthy for you.
I want you to stop self medicating with alcohol, I want you to stop smoking those cigarettes. You are better than that, you showed me you could work through those problems, even if it meant you needed me- what does it matter? I would have helped you through part of the journey and have still been there for you through the remainder in one way or another. If you were truly meant to be alone, you wouldnt have been here with 7 billion other people- you would never have met me. Why couldnt you have had the patience to lean on me until you could handle yourself? You call this handling yourself? Youre just drunk and it hurts me to know youre like this all the time.
Im sorry I remind you of your failures and it takes you back to those memories but I truly and sincerely only wanted the best for you. You wrote to me in the jar – “You fight for what you believe in” and so Ive fought for you because I believed in you. Ill stop fighting not because I dont believe anymore but because the round is over and I need to rest.
I love you. I love you with all my heart and its broken pieces. I love you with my soul and in another lifetime, Id have worked doubly as hard for you because you still have no idea how much your smile means to me. You are everything to me. I cannot love someone else because my heart is locked securely behind your chest and I dont think Im ever getting it back. Ive tried, I really have tried but the truth is, I love you.