to my first love and only love yet, Bri.
how are ya, kid. hows life. have you lightened up on yourself any. hows the doggo. are you still putting ice cubes in your hot coffee. are you still working yourself to death at your job. do you still put the fan app on at night. have you stopped listening to the fan app at night cause I’m no longer in your bed. do you still sleep in that funny position that use to make me laugh. are you still watching your drinking. i know Bud is a hard one for you to say no to. do you still sleep with little pillows between your legs or arms. is sour patch kids still have your favorite candy…do i ever cross your mind.
it’s been nearly 6 months since we ended but a lot has changed in those 6 months but sadly our “relationship” was ended way before then. the way we ended kills me. so toxic. so much heartache. it kills. I am no saint for the words and things i said to you at the end. I was so hurt and knew deep down you didn’t want me. I use to pray to God asking him to make you happy and I would ask Him to give me exactly what you needed to help you and make you happy so i could keep you.. unfortunately, that was not His will. nor was it enough to make you want me. i never tried so hard to keep someone. I think thats why it breaks me that we ended cause I looked at you as if you were gold. you were my person, my laughter, my favorite incoming call, my favorite summer, my favorite mysterious fucked up/damaged but precious minded girl. I loved your mind and the quirky ways it worked. I’d like to think i knew how it operated. I never jeopardized our relationship cause you were enough for me, babe. You were absolutly perfect to me in my eyes and i know now that is why I made all those excuses for you. Nearly 6 months. a lot has changed in those 6 months. I ran away from Michigan to get away from you and everyone. i’ve completely and utterly lost myself. hit rock bottom. i isolated myself. along that journey something amazing happened, i found myself but better yet ran into some amazing new friends and jobs that took me in. I never felt at home in Michigan. I don’t know if i ever shared this with you but i have moved a total of 18 times in Michigan/ in my life time. thats alot for only being 23. I am a runner. its in blood. I love the thrill of leaving, not making an impact on things or people its what I do and know best. Maybe this is why i was so drawn to you cause you were the first person i wanted to make an impact on. i wanted to stay and for once didn’t feel like running but once we were over i had to do what i do best and that was to run. I have to say, after 23 years of running kentucky was the best marathon yet. it was finally home. I felt alive, i felt powerful, i felt love but better yet, i felt happy, kid. During our breakup and me hitting rock bottom I had an old friend there for me. I’ve known her for awhile. she was there for me during our hard times, the breakup, my worst time, the moves, and the ugly side of me. Crazy part? she still stayed with me. feelings for each other grew. harder on her side. she’s everything i would want in a person and more. she’s kind, she’s patient, she makes me feel beautiful, and better yet she cares and proves to me everyday that she wants me. she is safety. The problem? this is the healthiest relationship i have ever been in and it scares me. I’m use to you. I’m use to toxic and fights and mostly feeling as though i am not enough. someone who doesn’t put effort in, someone who craves more attention elsewhere when all I’ve given you was attention and all my love. mostly, she was safely. as a runner this is a red flag. Can you believe i have an amazing person in my life and you still cross my mind? I still feel the urge to run? when i lay in bed with her i don’t feel empty as i did when i laid with you. when i call her and she picks up i feel at ease. i trust her but yet my running tendencies still cross my mind and deep down i feel as if I’m cheating on you.. i know its silly of me to think that especially when I was just someone random to you and we’ve been over for awhile but its true. i find myself holding back from her cause of you. You still cross my mind cause i feel as if i don’t deserve this. I understand you were not meant of me. You are not my marathon runner. You are not for me. For once, i am at ease with this. My new person is not a runner. she is more, she is safety. she is my side line cheerleader. she keeps me in check. she is what i need for my personality. i need to let you go fully and stop thinking that i am cheating on you and I need to stop punishing myself for the way we ended. I deserve this. i hope you’re happy, kid. i really do. i hope those big brown eyes and that smirk of yours still lights up the whole rooms and brings another person joy and gives her those little rushes of thrills as it brought to me. but mostly, i hope she makes you happy. i hope she’s enough for you. i hope she understands your mental health. i hope she keeps your beautiful quirky mind going. i hope she tells you to lighten up on yourself when you get so hard and down in the dumps. i hope she loves you as hard as i did. and if she does all of those things, keep her. thank you for showing me the thrills and mostly, thank you for not making me feel wanted or enough. You have taught me my worth the hard way. I am not so naive. I am strong. i can do anything. I am enough. I am on the run again in a new state one of my favorite states for that matter. and guess who’s still by my side? You guessed it my side line cheerleader. her and i are hundreds of miles away from each other but she makes me feel as if were neighbors. I don’t know what the future holds for me or for her and i but i know writing this letter it’s making me realize how great she is to me. how badly i don’t want to run away from her anymore. I want to give her my all like i did with you. I know something in my gut is telling me that something magical is about to happen. I am allowed to want her. I don’t need to feel guilty for loving someone else. this letter is for me. for the closure that i needed. the realization it has brought me from writing this. i finally moved on and got the urge to let you go. finally. but mostly, I forgive you. Stay you, kid. You are the best fucked up thing to ever happen in my life and i truly am glad God brought you to me you are one of my favorite trails to get over and to have learned a lesson from. am much appriected of you, old friend.
much love from an old friend – ash