Why can’t I forget you?

Why can’t I forget you?

Why can’t I forget you?

LTME-postDear K,

Some stories are just too long and too weird for people to understand. I know it’s wrong and creepy to feel this way. I know how it looks to outsiders. I don’t really tell anyone about it, because it’ll look crazy.

I don’t say this because I want people to feel sorry for me. I say it because it’s the truth. I feel so embarrassing writing this. I feel disgusting.

As a teenager I was very naive and inexperienced. I often went to trusted friends for advice. However, little did I know that some of those would turn out to be the people who changed me forever.

Now, here’s where the weird stuff starts, so I ask you to read with intellectual honesty. When I was 17, I met you. The first guy that I ever liked. I know you had a girlfriend at the time, and I didn’t want to cause you problems so I kept my distance. However, I tried to find out everything I could about you, like what your family was like and what kind of music you liked, even the little stuff like your favorite color.

Every day you had to see him hand-in-hand with the wrong person. I’m really intuitive to people’s emotions, and I could see you were depressed and anxious a lot. So, I came up with something I wanted to give you. Something I thought up all on my own. It may sound kind of nerdy, it was a carbon fiber necklace and poem. It was meant to say how carbon is a diamond, I hope that we can become closer. The poem was also my way of telling you that I loved him.

Eventually, you and that girl broke up. And so, I told you that I wanted to be with you. It made you liked me too. I told all my close friends, because I was proud to have you, even though we weren’t together.

Now, here’s where things got confusing. Two friends, I thought were my best friends, they told me not to talk to you too much and that I was stalking you and stuff. And one day he stopped talking, I don’t know what they said to him. My inexperienced and naive self was so confused and hurt. Those two girls threatened me and black mailed me over him.

I was depressed and confused to the point I stopped eating. I got really skinny, too skinny. I didn’t sleep much. After I graduated I decided to go get help because I just couldn’t get over you or what those girls. I was in therapy for about a year in a half. I was put on anti-depressants; they just made me feel worse.

I thought that I was free from the girls, but one of them ended up going to my college and started spreading garbage about me liking you. This ended with more depression and not eating.

I just don’t understand how some people can have so much darkness in their hearts to the point that they have to destroy others. And why is it that 5 years later I still long for you? Every other person I was attracted to I compared them all to you, and I just ended up disappointed. I don’t go on dates. I just keep to myself.

I’d give anything to go back to the days when I would nervously smile at you. I’d give anything to go back to the date February 7, 2013.

1 Comment

  1. SBG 7 months ago

    I can not believe that out there in this huge world is someone expressing exactly how I feel about my very first love. I’ve been longing for a long time but I know it will never happen again. I got my family, I’m pretty sure he has his and like you I feel wrong, very wrong, creepy and sad cause I feel that no one will ever understand my feelings towards him. He did me wrong I know, but my heart doesn’t understand that. He will always be in it in a special place. You will eventually have a family, but that special someone will always make you smilel, cry and wonder how is he doing.
    P.S. I also met him when I was 17 and he was 21.

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