So glad you were able to find the most chivalric, romantic means possible to get me back after I found out you were fucking my half-sister behind my back last year…a random unsolicited 5am snapchat of your penis, captioned “miss uuuuuu”! You always were a class act. I especially love the slew of choice words you offered me after I screenshotted it, it truly was an elegant touch. A real cherry on top of a fantastic decision you made that night.

This afternoon that screenshot was sent directly to your new girlfriend. Thought she might like to know just what a charming boyfriend she has in you! I, for one, can’t wait to see when she opens the message. Best hope you didn’t leave any of your belongings at hers like you did Ashley’s? By the way, Ashley and I have put the whole situation behind us, and are stronger than ever. Cute attempt to pit us against each other though!

So in short, you’re positively fucked. And I can think of no person who deserves this more than you. But please, Gabe, tell me how close you are to getting a record deal and being a world-renowned DJ! If it doesn’t work out, I’m sure Soundcloud will welcome you back with open arms (;

Whatever success you may find much, MUCH later in life, I want you to always remember this moment as a good hard lesson learned.

Don’t cheat on girls you absolute fucking cretin