Letting go

LTME-postIt’s perverse, isn’t it? You are fighting with someone, you are feeling stressed, you are an adult, you think things over hundreds of times before making a decision to cut the umbilical cord, yet few weeks later the regret catches up with you. Why? Why would I regret walking away from you? Because I need a closure, we all need a closure. An understanding, a mature conversation where we both honestly talk about our feelings, wishes and desires.

You were always transparent; you were clearly in just for sex, yet it got me confused when you denied the fact. You were making a minimal effort and keeping your distance, letting me wait for you like a stupid dog being at your mercy. One phone call, one kiss, one shag and my reasoning was out of the room. I was overwhelmed by my affection for you. You were not, why would you? I was complying with everything you did, I never did otherwise. Like so many other women I was going along a wrong path of love. Loving you more than myself. Putting your wishes ahead of mine, because I felt so ridiculously happy when we were together. I was literally looking for the love outside of me, instead of asking myself along the way if you are doing enough for me? Do I feel loved, appreciated and fulfilled? No, instead I was analysing in a hundred different ways, what should be done from your side, who you are and who you are not, while the answer was in front of me.

Does he treat you right ……? Is he kind to you? Is he making plans with you for the future? Does he make you laugh? Does he make you come when making love? Do you feel like the most important person in his life? How does he fit in with your friends? Do you like his friends and family?

There were laughs, but at the end very rarely, there was never talk about the future, there was never even talk about meeting up again. I was clearly the last person on your to do list and you never met my friends and you never presented me to yours. You barely mentioned my name to your children after few months of knowing each other.

This is not the part that hurts. The part that still hurts is that I pointed this out to you from the very beginning and you simply denied it. Not only that, you were turning tables on me, convincing me I am looking for problems where there isn’t any, laughing when I said I want to be with a man that would make me his priority and justifying your lack of planning as a part of your character and pointing out I am a control freak and how none of your partners in the past had an issue with it.

This is a shitty part of the story that makes me obsess about you, checking if you might call or write. You putting me down over and over again, with your distance, your silence, not answering my questions and when I would speak up, you would deny it or simply ignore it. Or get upset and walk away.

I didn’t ask for that kind of treatment. I didn’t do anything mean or bad against you or your family. Yet, you took it for granted that I am going alone home for Christmas, dealing with sell of a house on my own, purchasing and negotiating for a car by myself, dealing with my sickness by myself, spending a New Year alone, because you clearly said this is not something that is important to you. Nothing was ever important to you in my life. You haven’t visited my office even once, expressed a wish to meet my friends or family and yet, you dashed off to Dubai in a last minute notice for your friends daughter wedding and then you even had the balls to send me photos, because you were feeling lonely?

What was I to you? A dog, a doormat, a stupid woman you could fuck whenever it pleased you? You picked me up and put me down at your convince and I don’t even get one coherent sentence at the end, but a display of a petulant little child behaviour when I expressed a wish to spend more than 24h together?

You think it’s about the money I told you you owe me? Money stands for the respect you owe me, …….., a common decency and respect. Have you no shame? Have you not a basic understanding of how degrading was your behaviour? You think you are a good guy who treats women equally? Respectfully? You were not even able to have a mature conversation about our relationship, about yourself and stepping up as a partner or as a friend and be there for me when I was going through rough patches in my life. What did you do for me? What effort have you made to make my life a better place to be and live in?

Not even today, you are able to speak up and you are hiding behind your work and parental obligations. What will you do? Show up one day and pretend to be a kind and thoughtful guy while saying nothing and trying to navigate back into my bed? To humiliate me again playing with my emotions? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you have a tiny slice of a respect left for me and wishing me at least something good? My mother passed away and I sold my family house, anyone with a bit of decency would have walked away when things were not working out. Anyone with a tiny bit of integrity would stay away when realising we want two different things.

You? Not you… you stayed and continued bullying, taking anything I was willing to give, while giving very little in a return. It breaks my heart that something as beautiful as we have had shared, means nothing to you, not even enough to pick up the phone and ask for a talk. And presenting your apologies. It breaks my heart your unwillingness to listen and avoiding any kind of responsibility for my emotional well being. Understanding you, or our relationship doesn’t make me happier or makes it easier getting over this heartbreak, it’s just make me sad knowing I let you in my world, into my heart and how cheaply I have sold myself. Foolishly thinking you might recognise my real value and start treating me accordingly.

I can choose to treat myself better than you have treated me, I know I can do that. Even if it means writing every day a letter like this in order to let go of my heartache and I can stand in front of the stupid mirror and tell myself how amazing and fabulous I am. At the end my day starts and finishes with myself. Let our love story be a final reminder that the person who will age with me, who will share epic laughters and chase sunsets and sunrises over this beautiful planet, swim with whale sharks and marvel at the beauty of the nature is my given birth right. And I am not willing to give this up for you or anyone else.

Let our love guide you on your endeavours. Love you,

T 😑✨🦄


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