This is my letter to my ex boyfriend. I didn’t want to send it to him so someone suggested I send it out into the world.
It’s been over a year since we broke up and it’s been 6 months since we last spoke. It has been the hardest and most enlightening time of my entire life. I’ve learned so much, in this past year without you, about me and who I am. I am so much stronger than I was when I was with you and I am no longer the person you can walk all over. I spent years in our relationship doing everything in my power to please you and to make you see what I saw. I spent years trying to make you happy. I wanted so badly to keep you and what I thought we had, that I didn’t see that you clearly didn’t want the same things. I chose not to see past the words you said to me.
Kevin, my heart shattered when you left me. It broke in a way I can’t describe to anyone. The pain I felt when you told me you couldn’t move forward in our life together is something I wish on no one. I was physically sick and I was so hurt and in pain I couldn’t see straight. In the beginning, the pain was so raw I struggled to get through every day, but with time I grew stronger and I moved forward. Now I am able to survive on my own. I’ve found happiness in so many ways and I’ve learned I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I have learned I can do it on my own. I spent years thinking I needed to find a partner, a man, to be my other half and to make my own family with, but the truth is I can do it independently.
I’m so much better than you. I always was and even when I was with you I somewhat knew that. A friend of mine, described you as too weak to stand by my side once and after some time I wonder if maybe that’s it. Kevin, I spent years doing everything I could for you. I had lists and emails pages long with ideas of things you would like to do and gifts I could get you. A couple weeks ago I stumbled upon a few of those emails and notes and it sickened me. I did so much and worked so hard to please you. I gave you everything I had and I would’ve done anything I could to make you happy. I remember my greatest nightmare was you leaving me and I remember telling you that. I remember how you made me so many promises and you swore you’d never leave me or hurt me. You broke promises and made new ones time and time again. And Kev, you continually hurt me in the end. I remember at the end you said to me you didn’t want to hurt me and you didn’t mean to break your promises. You said it was all unintentional and you couldn’t tell me why you had to do this, but you did it anyway. Kev, you tore me to pieces and I never did anything ever to hurt you. I built you up and helped you grow and enhanced your life in every way I could.
It’s funny, I know during most hours and most days that I can never speak to you again. That you hurt me so badly that I can never go back to being okay with you. I know that what you did to me is something I will forever remember as probably one of the worst periods of my life. I know that I did my best to be good to you and you tore me to pieces. But, despite what I know, despite what you did, I still dream of you. My mind, when it sleeps, betrays me. I dream of kissing you and holding you and having you tell me you love me. I dream of that look you gave me that told me how deeply you felt for me, or so I thought. I sometimes wonder if a piece of my heart will always be yours and that piece tries to come out in dreams, since I fight it so forcefully during the day.
Once, in a weak moment, I was playing chicken with texting you and I accidentally sent a blank message. I panicked and didn’t know what to do, so I waited for you. Kev, for days I pretended I didn’t care if you responded but in my heart I prayed you’d text me back asking if it was an accident or if I was okay, but you never did. I told myself, in that moment, I knew you never would speak to me again. You asked me to never block you, again but you never intended to contact me ever again. I thought that was my answer and I could never do something like that again. But here I am, writing this letter. I don’t know why. A part of me hates you, truly despises you. Oh lord, how I wish that were not true. The hate is a problem for me that I intend to conquer. I am so strong I think I can do it. The love that’s still there is something I pray will fade with time. I don’t know Kevin why I can’t remove you from my head. I’ve wanted to. I’ve wished I had never met you but I guess it was a lesson I needed in life. I am strong, I am independent, I can do anything. I’ve been thinking lately that I’m going to start my own family. I’ve made some plans with my family about it. I’ve always known I was meant to be a mother. I just thought I’d be doing it with you, but maybe this is better. Now I know the children I have on my own were wanted and I know they will be loved and cared for in a way you may not have been capable of doing. I remember thinking of how you’d be at the birth of our children. I remember thinking you’d be scared and nervous but excited. I pictured it down to the moment and I could see your exact expression when you held our child. I was so sure we’d have a little girl with curly hair like mine that would be blonde like yours was when you were a kid. It was so real to me. It’s funny how things change. Maybe this is why I’ve felt the need to “write” you. I’m getting ready to have a family on my own and I’m thinking about the family I only had in my mind and how it was taken from me. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because my heart is still partially yours and that might never change, which really fucking scares me. Maybe I just needed to have you hear me one last time. I don’t know. I don’t need a response. Honestly, I don’t really want you to ever see this. I just want it out there, my feelings. My thoughts and my feelings are so at war everyday. I think you’re a weak, selfish, prick but I feel like a part of me still loves you. It makes no sense. Those last few contacts with you, the last messages, I never deleted from my phone. I read them over on nights when I think about the good things we had going for us as a couple. Those last messages remind me why I stopped talking to you. I should probably read them now before I send this…
Wow, those messages. They serve as a reminder that you don’t deserve to ever hear from me again. They show the selfishness and the cowardice and the liar you truly are. They show the kind of man you are at heart. I don’t know how I never knew that in the three years we were together. Kevin Liam Brennan is a selfish weak little bitch. God that feels good. I always used your three names as a term of endearment but the truth is you’re a weak little fucker who is lucky to have even been near me. I can’t believe I gave you my heart and three years of my life. Kev, I fucking hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I gave you three fucking years of my life and then I added a year to recoup and to give you a chance to come back. Instead of taking the lottery ticket you were given and cashing it, you went off and fucked two more girls. Kevin, how you get all these women is beyond me. You’re such a weak fucking loser. It’s funny, I look at your Facebook sometimes to see if you’re dating someone or if there is anything new in your life and there never is. But I pray you never get another girl. I pray you live alone and suffer for the rest of your miserable fucking life. For once, I mean it. I have no forgiveness for you. If you are with someone right now, I pray that she is rotten on the inside and that you can’t ruin her too…. okay there is the hate I need to conquer. I’m getting there. Its the thought of the women you were screwing during the period you were talking to me that got me there. It’s a reminder of the kind of person I found out you were and I probably shouldn’t let it take me back.
I wonder if you even think of me anymore. I would think that would be hard for you and you tend to avoid the difficult thoughts and conversations. Eh, it doesn’t matter does it? In the end it’s all the same. In the end I grew stronger and better and smarter. I’ve learned I can get through anything. I’m a survivor. It’s been a rocky year and I’ve dealt with a lot of shocks and hard times but I did it all without you. My mom checked herself into a hospital for heart problems, Mike’s dad died suddenly, my job is suddenly changing, and life has been a series of big peaks and dips. I’ve been through a lot and I’ve learned a lot about me. I’ve struggled but I’ve conquered and have been turning lemons into lemonade. In some ways I should thank you for making me this strong but I don’t have it in me yet to forget what you did. So here is the question: do I send this message to you? Do I send this long rambling letter that is just me going off at 1 am after a long day, that happened to be a day after a particularly vivid dream with you in it? What do I gain from sending it? How will I feel once it’s sent? I think I’d be worried, but maybe I’d feel relief. Maybe if I send it and block you from all contact I will never have to worry but I’d know my feelings got out there. Hmm. Or maybe I’ll keep it here for me to see and think about. I don’t know. Eh, whatever, I’m not sending it to you. I don’t think you could ever say anything that would make this better. I’ll learn with time how to remove you from all thoughts. You do not matter in my world anymore and you have no power over me.
The girl you never deserved