I know the abuse you suffered, I know you have C-ptsd, I don’t take away from that, but I’ve come to learn you also have many attributes of a borderline personality, the lies, secrets, cheating, telling me before bed I was such a good man then in the morning telling me I was cheating on you, blaming me for your choices because I was too afraid to say anything to you because you would take what I said and twist it into something it wasn’t. I wasn’t perfect, I never thought I was better then you, I wasn’t trying to ruin your life telling you to move to Ny where your family was from where I truly thought you’d get help here and have the support of me and your Aunt. You blame me for the apartment you moved into because it was the only thing available and you said you couldn’t live with me, you didn’t want to lose your section 8, so I went along with it. I loved you with all I had, I would try to rescue you, I would take you back when you cheated, you would make me feel like nothing I would do
Was good enough, blame me for cheating when I never did, tell me you were my therapist when I would talk about the divorce and child custody battles because it weighed so heavy on me. You crap talk me to your friends and family, go on social media and post passive aggressive things about me, break up with me, ignore my texts or tell me not to come over and then at the end accuse me of abandoning you, I never had that intention, I was there for the long haul and would have walked on glass for you, when you tried to come over at my birthday I was weak and slept with you, I loved you, I didn’t act cold because I couldn’t stand you, I was scared because I knew I’d fall right back into the relationship and it would just keep going the same cycle, it was abusive, I don’t think you do it on purpose, but if I’d stick up for myself it would be that I was yelling and twisted like I started it, I walked on eggshells, you’d get jealous and think I wanted actresses or people in supermarkets, and then after advice from my doctor, who saw your texts, I didn’t spin anything, said stop communicating, No Contact, because it was destroying me and I was addicted and adored you. When I didn’t listen and tried to email you and explain you wrote how I was playing the victim, poor me, and how I ruined your life, I now have PTSD, I’m not the same person, I never stop thinking of you. I looked at your social media once, and saw all kinds of things pointed at me being a narcissist, and oh you want my leftovers, see why I left it behind, then you went on to say I was bashing you when you don’t even talk to anyone you talk to, and I didn’t. I had my ex help me find help and family, that was my reaching out, not that I was cheating with her. I never did. K, I will always love you, I hope you see this one day and admit what you have along wit cptsd, they go together, and the wanting me one minute then pushing me away, the manipulation and lies are borderline behavior, I can’t find those traits anywhere from someone who suffers from strictly Cptsd, I don’t respond for my own mental health, I’m still sick, so no, I do t hate you, and yes I forgive you, I’ve never hated you, I always tried to make excuses for you. Just know I truly did love you with all my heart, I’ve never given all of myself to someone and I still feel dead inside, I thought we would be married, I thought you were the most amazing women in the world, but I made you into something you weren’t, that’s my fault, I built you up in my mind, all I did was feel empathy, compassion, and love for you, I still do, but I couldn’t live under the blameing, guilt, and not being able to trust anymore. Know that I’ll love you till I leave this earth, lack of love wasn’t what made me disappear, it was survival, I was suicidal and broken, and still am. I hope we see each other on the other side, where we don’t have these scars, and pain, where we can just see each other for what we really are. I love you K. JPaul