Dear Kevin,

I know you’ll think it’s corny and you probably won’t read the whole thing because you’ve already deemed me overly sensitive, and I don’t expect you to.. I want you to hear me out and really understand. The good thing about letters is that you can reread them and find no excuse to skip over any part like you do when I talk. And I know you’ll never truly understand where I was coming from, but I hope this can resonate with you in some way. So here it goes.

We met at KFC. There was no initial spark, I just considered you someone like Angie. Someone who viewed KFC as a stepping stone and wouldn’t be there long. And I was more or less right; you stayed for a month and left when your time passed. But in that month, I got to know you as a person.

I wasn’t sure about you at first; wasn’t sure about anything, really. You know the story. I went into the summer with the attitude many men have. I vowed to have a good time and disregard everyone else’s feelings. I vowed to be a hoe. You started off as a pawn in a bigger scheme, but I came to truly care about you. Chris was my friend. Before we had that short summer fling, we spent countless hours together just talking. I thought we could grow to be something, but I was wrong. He wasn’t for me.

However, as we grew closer, I realized we had something and I wanted to pursue that and only that. I began to feel remorse for lying to you. Then we drank together and I felt like I’d made a mistake. You really did care about me and despite your drunk actions, it was made apparent. I cared about you, too.

I did you wrong. If I could turn back time and never have started talking to him, I would. But I was in a bad place that summer and I thought a rebellious streak would do me justice. I was wrong. I was so wrong, Kevin. I didn’t intend to hurt you. At one point, I truly liked both of you and I was too selfish to decide so I led both parties on. And in the end, once I’d come clean, I didn’t know if you’d forgive me or not. I justified my actions because I never cheated; I led you on and lied to you and from then on I swore I wouldn’t hurt you again. And I really intended not to. I felt sick about everything I’d done that summer and I understood your anger. But I never did anything to make you look stupid once we were together.

I still remember how happy I was when you bought me the ring. It was hands down the sweetest thing a boyfriend had ever done for me. I was so happy at that point. Ecstatic. And I think that’s when I realized how madly in love with you I was. So maybe that’s why I didn’t take it so well when your best friend decided to mind our business and claim you were rushing things. I forget exactly what you told me she said but it was something like “I’ve been with my boyfriend for ___ amount of time and I still don’t have a ring.” That’s a line that screams envy but I let it slide. Still, she kept on commenting on our relationship. I remember one time when we were still in the talking stage I told you I didn’t mind you having friends of the opposite gender and you appreciated that. Of course I didn’t, why would I? I liked Khia, I still do, I just didn’t like the fact that she commented on my appearance for no reason. Just a bitchy thing to do. But back to the subject at hand. After hearing my concerns, I told you the last thing I wanted was to come off as controlling/possessive and so I left it to you to handle. All you told me is that you blocked her and she got disrespectful so I was like fuck her then. I was under the impression that you’d told the truth, which would’ve been, “I’m in love with this girl, and you butting into our relationship is doing nothing but bringing us down.” Because a relationship ship isn’t a YOU thing, it’s a WE thing; decisions are made mutually and the other person’s feelings are always considered. But you didn’t do what you’d claimed. You told her that I “made you block her” and that you “went off on me because I was being insecure.” Then she proceeded to call me childish and say if she wanted you she could’ve had you. I thought that would be enough to deter you from her, but apparently it wasn’t. I know if someone said that to me, I’d feel disrespected even if it had been true. Because it’s disrespectful. Makes you seem desperate or like some toy and also made me think that something used to be there but faded over the years. I’m probably right.

But you said your piece and sort of defended me. I mean you defended the actions I didn’t take. You defended the actions you made up and lied about me doing and you forever stained someone’s opinion of me and didn’t tell the truth for months. The truth doesn’t seem to matter now anyway because she never stepped up to apologize. I don’t care if she does. But you simply fail to understand consequences. This was the first major lie you told me, and the first instance in which my trust for you had shrank.
I checked your phone after that to see if I was the topic of conversation in any of your other friends’ lives, and I was apparently. Khia’s comment and your reply didn’t exactly instill trust in me. I still felt like you wouldn’t defend me, and I started resenting you for it. My opinion of you as a man shifted; you told me one night when we were wasted that you beat up some kid to defend Kendrick but you wouldn’t use simple words to defend me. And I wanted a future with you, maybe years down the line, but how can I trust someone to protect me and our family when they won’t even defend me in feeble situations?

And our relationship blossomed; you introduced me to weed and it was like candy. We saw each other at our worse. We cried together. We were so happy as we planned to get an apartment together. We sat in the day room for hours trying to come up with a budget and I even had enough saved for a couch. I was ready to live with you and it made me so happy that you wanted to, too. Life would’ve been good. Or so I thought, until you one day told me that it was impractical and the military would be more practical. We could be together that way; we’d have an apartment and we could afford it, plus you’d become a Marine and live out your boyhood dream. You’d be not Mighty Mouse but Mighty Rat, right? It would take longer to accomplish but it would be the better option in the long run. And I was prepared to sacrifice the man I loved most for an idea. As long as we could eventually live together. But things changed.

Despite the fact that you loathe school, you suddenly decided it’d be best for you. The other day you told me your uncle laughed at you when you said you’d go and truth be told, I had the same initial reaction. Why would you do something you hate? Why would you force yourself through the torment? And my question was answered when you told me how your sister and mother viewed you. All you’ve ever wanted and hoped for was for the people you love most to be proud of you. And they weren’t, but the path you didn’t choose yourself would make them proud, and you’d lead a life of misery to make them think highly of you. To prove everyone wrong. But dear Kevin, that is artificial pride, the love you hope will accompany it will only be based on what you came to be; not what it took to get there, not the fact that they didn’t help you arrive there, and not the components of your personality that grant you enough persistence to push through school. But I’ve always believed in you. I’ve tried so hard to encourage you to be better, be smarter; express yourself more, come clean about not truly being enrolled. I told you the truth would set you free, but all it did was bring you closer to people who don’t truly care about what you want. One way to live a meaningful life is to find your passion and chase it until you’re satisfied. Are you truly interested in computer science, Kevin? Or will you get a job in the field and work a 9 to 5 with nothing to show for it but a house and a proud family that doesn’t care about you for you, but all you can do for them?

Christmas taught me a lot about you. One, you’re a human with human emotions. I’m sorry for calling you overly sensitive that day you were venting to me about your father. I just felt as though you were being a bit too harsh towards him and not seeing both sides of the story, but it wasn’t my place. Two, your emotions have been repressed for over a decade and needed to come to the surface. Three, you struggle to feel vulnerable and communicate your emotions to other people. That’s why I really wanted to help you learn better communication skills because then you’d be able to express yourself to your mother and possibly finally make her understand you. And four, you blame your father for far more than you blame your mother for.

Your mother was abused. Mine was, too. And the actions of your father towards her can never be justified. Your father abused you and had cruel punishments, but he has seen far worse horror than we’ll ever come to know. Your mother should not have been forced to endure that. Abuse is a cycle and has psychological impact that can and likely will affect those who fell victim for life. But bullies are those who’ve been bullied, victims are made victims by other victims. I feel like you still haven’t told your mother of the damage she’s done to you while your father got most of the heat. He may not show he cares in the way you wish he would, but what I heard on the phone was a stubborn man with sincere love for you. We can’t help the way our parents are; they were raised in a different generation under different circumstances with different customs. We can only look to them to do better raising us than their parents did them, and not fall prey to making the same mistakes they did so we can raise the next generation to do better than us and so on. That’s not to make excuses for them or throw everything they’ve done to hurt us under the rug; it’s to find clarity within and be an understanding person in a world that can’t see a gray area. Your mother was the one who carried you for nine months, and despite what she went through with your father and everything you did to be rebellious, kicking you out was wrong and so were all of the comments she’s made to make you question your own sagacity and come to fear conversations with her. Your father was wrong, but he will always be your one and only father. Your last name is written on your birth certificate, and changing that won’t spite him but will change who you’ve always been.

I know everything you’ve been through has made you the way you are. It saddens me that you’ve deduced the greatest male figure in your life to be the step father that abused you. Life was not fair to you. Everyone seemed to kick you out, even your aunt that you came to consider a mother. But only one of those people would come to feel guilty for it and realize that it was a genuine mistake. She seems to honestly want what’s best for you and I’m really happy you’ve found your imperfectly perfect family and a home that works for you. You deserve to be loved. I know I’m petty and I’ll work on myself for the rest of my life. I should not have made certain remarks out of jealousy; I’m glad you’ve got your own room and you’re decking it out. It was never your job to buy me anything. I appreciate it all, though. I was just upset that you left me out of your plans because my heart was so set on living together. But we are young and you have the right to change your mind. It’s likely for the best.

I gave you my virginity, Kevin, and in a way that mentally sealed the deal for me. I told myself you were the one and the only one I’d ever be in love with despite trauma that came along with losing it (like when I said No and you didn’t stop). That hurt, Kevin. But it was sealed like an envelope, I’d love you unconditionally.

The lies and secrecy increased over time. Sometimes small, like adding Danely on Switch. Sometimes bigger, like deleting Victoria’s call logs and lying about conversations. You lied so much that your truths became lies, and your words began to mean nothing to me because of the speed at which you could forge a lie. You made me think I was crazy about that deleted call for days and allowed me to question my own means of perception out of selfishness. You lied in the beginning now that I think about it, too; this lie understandable: who you lost your virginity to. Still, I question that story.You gaslighted me with the Victoria situation, and all the feeble lies to follow didn’t help.

You didn’t defend me over and over again. I still remember when we were in the talking stage, Rosemary saying that you didn’t have to answer the phone since you were with your girl and you saying your best friend obviously came first. Even though seconds prior you were going to ignore the call until I encouraged you to answer because she was going through something with her boyfriend. I fake gasped at your response and you laughed but that was incredibly disheartening. From that point on, the thought was always there that I’d always be second best, and I began to feel insecure in my own relationship.

So once you cut her off and told me that you missed her, how was I to feel? I wanted to be the bigger person. I’ve put my values on the line for you too many times, Kevin. The old me would never forgive even one of your lies and lack of heart. You’ve got no heart to defend me. I wondered why you would miss someone like her. She called you to vent and talk shit. How did she better your life in any way? But I brushed it off. Until everything came crashing down on me at once. You did not defend me. True friends are not those who defend you in your presence, but when you’re not there to do it yourself. I should not have to defend myself against your rude friends.

There’s an expression that goes ‘birds of the same feather flock together’. In layman’s terms, the people you spend time with are a reflection of you. You share the same energy. You love to say I’m too sensitive and that we’d never sit together in school because you would’ve been too cool for me, but you fail to see that I wouldn’t have wasted my time with the old you because I value myself more. You wouldn’t have caught my attention. My friends have their faults, but shit talking isn’t the number one priority on their agendas and they understand what disrespect is. ‘Suck it’ is disrespectful and it’s sad I have to type out what should be common sense. You should want to let go of the negative people in your life. How long you’ve known someone means nothing; it’s quality over quantity. You need to ask yourself from this point forward who brings meaning and value to your life, and who does nothing to contribute. I think you’re searching for someone to tell you your wrongs are right. I understand that you need friends and I’ve never asked you to neglect that need. Friends are great and I love mine. All I’ve ever wanted from you is for you to treat me like you care about me not just to me, but to the rest of the world. You don’t care how my family views you. You acted like meeting my dad was a joke and you were nonchalant when you met my family members. They really like you, not because you’ve shown them how much you care about me, but because I speak so highly of you. It hurt to know that your mom doesn’t like me. And you never tried to change her opinion. You never told her I wasn’t supportive of the pregnancy joke, and I’m always like background noise when you’re on the phone with her rather than a real person. I wanted everyone to like you. It was important to me to make you feel secure. You never cared with me.

You told me the opinion of others’ shouldn’t affect me and you’re the biggest hypocrite of the century. All you do is scroll on social media. You’re concerned with how many followers you have, your outfits and how ‘hypebeast’ they make you, your hair, and how people view you superficially. I’m concerned with how people I care about treat me and view me, how I can better their lives, and how I can influence/help others around me. I have always tried to be there for you when no one else was. I made myself vulnerable with you. My fear of judgement was put on the line when you got kicked out, and I sacrificed it all for you. I shared my home with you. I’ve gotten you so many Lyfts and stuck by you when you had no job. I loved you through it all. It broke me when you talked behind my back to my sister. You know why the word lazy hurts so bad? I’ve always had a strong work ethic. My father assumed that the reason I left high school was because I was ‘lazy’, but my reason was far deeper. I was so depressed when I lost my best friend. She became my bully and I was seriously suicidal at the time. He never even tried to understand me. He never cared about me like he did his other children, and that shit hurt Kevin. I know I’m messy now and I can’t use depression as an excuse but lately I’ve been waking up and wondering what the point to having a clean room was. It didn’t clear my mind of plaguing thoughts nor did it make my life any easier to deal with.
You’re a manipulator and a compulsive liar, Kevin. I say that not with animosity but with acceptance. You have anger problems from years of repression and you should get some help. You told me not to take advice from outsiders (i.e my friends and family that care about me and can provide me with some perspective who also don’t lie to me or treat me like a burden) which is a tactic manipulators often use. I remember you also blamed me for your recent increase in sensitivity. I disagree. I think hanging out with all the female friends you’ve had made you so sensitive. Like listening to girls vent about other guys. Despite claiming you’re not interested by drama, you still listened all those years. Maybe that reduced you to the cowardly man you are today. My family didn’t do that to you. We’re passionate people. We love hard and we’re real, I know you’re not used to that though.

I’ve forgiven you for everything still. Even now, I’m not angry nor am I upset. I will always love you, but to save myself from future gaslighting, insecurity, emotional trauma, lies, and manipulation, I think it’s best to move on. You’ll find someone for you one day. Maybe a bright level 3 or maybe you’ll luck out and find a 4, but I can promise you you’ll never find another like me. I might be insecure and depressed, but I won’t always be. My sense of humor may be sadistic, but one day I’ll find someone to share it with. One day I’ll find someone to love with the same passion I have. And it destroys me to say that person just isn’t you and never will be. I want the best for you no matter what; after all, you were my first love and the good memories will always outweigh the bad. It’s best we do this now before the ratio changes because I want to remember all the good times we’ve shared. Maybe you’ll change and someday our paths will cross again, but you said it yourself: you don’t like keeping exes as friends. So goodbye, Kevin. I hope life treats you kind and I don’t doubt that you’ll achieve greatness someday. I just wish I could’ve been around to see it.

Love always,
Angry Smurf