Dear J…

Dear J…

Dear J…


This past seven months I learned so much. About myself, about being young while I still can, about relationships, about love. I’ve learned that I’m the type of person who loves with absolutely everything they have. I’ve learned that when I’m in love, I let my entire world revolve around them. That’s what I did with you.
Two years ago when you came into my life, I wasn’t really ready to be committed to someone again. There’d been a lot of hurt before you, I carried that on for so long all on my own. Then you came and shared the weight with me. That scared me so much and I choice to end it because I needed to focus on healing. I spend so long scared to be in love you because I didn’t think I could take being hurt again, but after a long time I realised I wanted to be happy, so we tried again.
You will never understand how much those seven happy months meant to me, I gave everything I had to you. I let you become my world, my support system and my best friend. I invited you into my head, my heart, my family, my bed and not everyone gets that privilege. The memories we made together will play on repeat in my head forever. I remember the way your hand wrapped around mine, like a shield of armour fending off my demons. It couldn’t have been easy, dating someone who need constant reassurance, someone who got down for sometimes no reason at all and I know that you tried so hard to keep me steady. You saved me from drowning for such a long time, even though I knew you were drowning to. I was made for loving you. The problem is we spent so long trying to change each other, you wanted someone who would spend her nights drinking and partying and I wanted someone who’d settle down. We both knew that we wanted different things but I was so willing to try for you and I know you were to. But sadly we can’t change other people.
When you left for university my greatest fear came true, everything you said wouldn’t happen did. I was no longer part of your life, it was so painful to have you so close yet so far. My anxiety was on overdrive and I broke down so much. Then the day came, one that will forever be painful. We were talking and it was almost as If I didn’t know you anyone, the person I loved was gone and in the place was this stranger. Then you said the words that I knew were coming though it didn’t make it hurt any less. My heart was ripped out of my chest. The saddest thing those pieces were still so in love with you, isn’t is bizarre. You can love someone even after they’ve hurt you, but you know deep down inside that it won’t ever be the same again. I poured my heart out and now I’m just completely empty. I drank you like you were the cure when maybe you were my poison.
I wanted so much to hate you because I could no longer able to walk into my room without the stinging pain, to drive my car without tears and to sleep because you weren’t next to me. I just wanted to hate you. Even now after finding out what you did I still can’t and that’s how I know how much of an imprint you had on my heart. I’m second guessing every moment, every I love you because I just don’t understand why I was wasn’t enough for you, even though you say I was. Why if you say you love me, why after everything I gave to you, why can’t I hate you, why do I still want you, why can’t I be angry, why? No one can answer my questions, I don’t even think you can.
Now I’m haunted by those memories and I cannot even sleep at night because no one’s there to wake me when the dreams come. I hate how much I still want you and the thing is I properly always have a place for you in my heart but just not in my life, not right now. Not until you realise that you cannot run when thing get hard, you won’t get anywhere in your life.
I want you to know that one day you’re going want me back, me who wasn’t perfect but tried to be just for you. Me who wanted nothing than to be there for you, and loved you the only way I could. Me who knows all your flaw but values them as much as I do your strengths. Me who can’t bring myself to hate you even though you probably deserve it. Me who you should have but you don’t. I want you to know that you are so smart but can be the world biggest idiot. I want you to know that I couldn’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to know that I know you are sorry and you regret it. I want you to know that no matter how hard it is now for you thing will get better. I want you to know that I actually wouldn’t take any of it back. I want you to know that I want to see you so much. I want you to know that I would give anything to take away your pain. I want you to know that I want to speak to you so much. I want you to know that we were both broken and that’s just who we are. I want you to know that I forgive you, I’ll never forgot but I forgive you. I want you to be happy and not do anything stupid because even though I wish I didn’t, I do care. I want you to remember that running isn’t always going to be an option.
Thank you for teaching me that love comes into your life so unexpectedly sometime, just like you did. Thank you for helping me heal from wounds I didn’t think ever would. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for ever love song. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you.
I hope one day you’ll find true happiness, maybe in the arms of someone else and that will kill me but that’s okay because one day I hope that I will too.
I love you and that’s probably going to be the last time I say that to you.

Goodbye, please keep safe.


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