As I sit here on the anniversary of our 1st date, I can’t help but wonder what the f***k happened throughout this last year…

Is like I started dating one man and I got my heart broken by another one.

1 year ago today I’ve met a gorgeous sensitive, peaceful, tranquil man, in peace with his choices and that always believed that things would be all right, and that there’s no reason to be stressed for small things.This man made me believe that I was loved so much and that it was safe to believe that he “wasn’t going anywhere”. It was safe to give him my heart and soul because he was going to take good care of it.He said he would help me raise my son, and he would be there for the 2 of us always and forever. As a single mom there is nothing that I would like to hear more.This man made me think for the 1st time ever that, maybe, a prospect of a big happy family with a dog and a backyard is actually a cool thing, and not something that is mostly for losers and people with no ambition.He made me feel at home. Like he was my home. 

And, oh, he said I was home for him too. Believe me, he would say so many things, I didn’t fall for him like a crazy women fall for small signs of affection like in the movies!! Trust me on this one: he said he never felt so much love and he never felt loved by a woman before. He was the one that brought up the marriage conversation first. He was “never going anywhere” and he wanted us to get matching couples Tatoo’s to prove it.

And believe me, when I say that I had an intuition that I was just his rebound. I actually verbalized this concern to him. Obviously he made me believe that I was just being silly… After all, I was single for such a long time. 

I always thought that relationships were the last thing on my priority list, as my son and my career would always come first.The things this man made me wish for and believe in, I have NEVER  before wished for in my life.

But then, this other man showed up.

This one is weak, is a coward, is not willing to fight the fight to get the prize. He is not able to really invite me into his life. Seems like he tries, but for some weird reason he can’t find it in him to actually do it.At this point he is 100% included in my life, however he only lets me gravitate around him in a superficial way. I show up here and there, but in his daily life, I’m not included.

Maybe he has mental health issues? Maybe he just needs a good therapy to be able to deal with his unreasonable guilt issues? Maybe he has a tendency to depression? A good therapy can help him deal with his fear of being hurt and restore his trust in humankind?Maybe if I wait around long enough he will be brave?

Oh, the silly things women will think to try and rescue man.

None of that was real.

He eventually told me that he “thought he was but isn’t” ready right to built a future with someone.

And by someone he means with me right now. Because I know am the rebound. I am the one that gave him an idea of what life with a good woman can be like.Which basically means that next time a good woman comes along, he will fight. Oh, he will fight with himself even because he regrets losing me and will not have this happen again. And this one he will marry and blend the families and all that shit that he promised me.

I keep trying to find a reason behind all that….WHY make me believe in all that shit??  Why did this all happen to me and my son at this point? What lessons am I supposed to lean here? Did this all happened just for his sake? Because I know all the good I brought to his life will stay with him forever…

And I did change his life for the best in this 1 year we were together, I am positive of that and I know he knows that too.

But I still can’t see why the universe would give me all this great moments of goodness and hope just to take it all away?Is there a lesson I am supposed to learn here?

I hate how much I still love him.I hate him for giving me so much hope. I hate him for taking me out of my safe zone and making me open my heart and soul just to get everything broken in the end. 

This is the most COWARD and SELFISH thing anybody can do: to awaken someone’s love without having the intention to love them.

I hope at least soon I will find the real reason why all this shit happened to me in the past year…and no, in case you are wondering, I don’t wish you well.I wish I never  met you.Yes, I hope someone will make you suffer for no good reason just like you’re doing to me, so maybe next time you will be more careful and more aware of other people’s feelings.

Yeah, well, sorry if I’m not spiritually evolved enough… I just wish you go fuck yourself for all the pain you are causing me and my son.