When you divorced me, did you divorce our child? Your quick answer is no – but the reality is you have failed our son and me.
This time a year ago, was the most horrendous, painful, heartbreaking experience in my life. It is now a blur, a faint memory that feels like an illusion. Sometimes people ask me what happened and I can’t even begin to explain the amount of devastation and cruelty you inflicted upon me and your son. I thought I was embarrassed about your behavior, but realized I am no longer your co-dependent and can’t take responsibility for your decisions, behavior or words. I spent 14 years in a one-sided and dysfunctional marriage. I sacrificed my own needs to enable you in every way. I spent many of Dillon’s childhood absorbing the words around me and turning into a reflection on myself. I controlled every aspect our lives – your only tasks were to go to work, pay the mortgage, and mow grass. I constantly lived in a state of anxiety and fear of making mistakes and it kept me from living my life. I spent countless conversations making excuses about your behavior – being in complete denial. You broke me down to the point of feeling trapped and fearing the worst- you abandoning us.
I would love to say I wish I never met you, but that is completely untrue. You contributed 23 chromosomes to our son- our most perfect son. Genetics don’t lie – he is your son- but thankfully he got the best of both of us. There were red flags the first couple of years, but I overlooked because I thought I was “in love.” Your anger was brushed off as a so-called bad temper and I let you get away with it. Your narcissistic personality left you with a inflated sense of your importance and a lack of empathy for others. As Dillon grew you showed you were an insensitive parent, unpredictable, negligent, and even abusive. Toward the end between anger and drug use, the situations Dillon witnessed and was a part of were down right scary. I wish I had been stronger, I wish I had been wiser, and I wish my reality wasn’t so distorted.
Fast forward past the manipulation, emotional and physical abuse, and lies. Here I am today – surviving and thriving. Sometimes I am in awe of myself. I literally picked myself up on the floor and I did it for our son. He kept me going, kept me motivated, and loved me unconditionally when I didn’t love myself. He is strong, confident, and never lost sight of the future. So I am more in awe of our son.
So how can you ghost this innocent child you created. Simple – you still think you have done nothing wrong and take zero responsibility for your actions. You abused us, you stole from us, you abandoned us for drugs and another woman. Never one sorry. Never a question of are you all ok. We were left to fend for ourselves. Conversations with you made me feel crazy so I have learned the less I fight back, the less power I give you over me and Dillon. We are officially tapped out- cut ties.
I wish I could wish you well – but nothing will ever be enough for you. I am not sure how much longer you have til you hit rock bottom. My main responsibility is taking care of me and Dillon. You can continue to gaslight or fool the people around you, but me and Dillon are wiser, stronger, and more confident. We know what we deserve, need and want. So you can continue to be a ghost dad – we don’t need you. We are better without you.
Sincerely, Dillon’s biggest fan, number one supporter, forever soulmate