Dear Babe

It’s been a few years. 
I’m not counting, but it’s been more or less 5 years. You’re still engaged. Your daughter is beautiful. I don’t miss you, but I hope you’re happy. 

I’m not. 

I’m not sure where my life is going. I’m still with the guy you met that night at the club 3 years ago. You tried to flirt with me even though you had a pregnant girl waiting for you at home and this guy carried me away from you to his car. He was the sweetest man I’ve met in my entire life. (back then)

He’s more aggressive now. We fight a lot and I find myself thinking back to how you and I used to fight. You never got this angry. But then again, you and I barely dated for a year. You cheated on me and I don’t even know how many times. He’s loyal and honest (about almost everything)

He doesn’t treat me very well though. He belittles me and calls me names. He swears at me and shouts at me. He has broken my heart so many times by only using his words. He gets angry if I cry. I’m not myself anymore. I feel bitter. It’s like I’ve already left him, emotionally, but I’m too scare to be alone so I’m still here.

I’ve been loyal all these years. I’ve been so good to him. But my heart is wandering and I don’t know how to control it any more. I’ve been having dreams where I cheat on him. I find myself daydreaming about other guys. This makes me feel so, so horrible, but I can’t help it. I ask myself “Do I still love this man?” 

I don’t know the answer. I know you probably don’t want to hear about me. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I suddenly, after so many years feel the urge to reach out to you. I won’t though, don’t worry. That’s why I’m writing this letter. 

I stalked your Facebook profile yesterday. You seem happy. I’m glad. I just wish I knew what’s going on with me. I’m so frustrated. 
Anyway. Have a good life. I wish you love and happiness. And I hope you don’t cheat on this girl too. No one deserves that. 

I guess I haven’t fully given up on my relationship after all have I? I would have left if I had. Life just keeps on complicating everything. 

I used to love you
Baby Boo