Hello?

I had so much to say but you didn’t want to hear…even though you said you’d always be there for me. I know I’ve outstayed my welcome now but I didn’t know that quite as soon as you had worked it out. I know I made the mistake of removing you but after how long we’ve been in contact, how can’t you forgive me for that?

That? that stupid thing, that one dumbass move?
So you forgave me for everything else but this is the last straw for you?

In fact I’m angry at you…hurtful things you’ve said over the years, I could go into detail but do you really care?
and now you leave me with me asking for your forgiveness…you will never reply to me. That’s not a very nice way to leave someone.
But above all, I’m hurt by you and you know it and yet you continue to ignore me. I should get the hint but I need a firm slap in the face I guess. I would rather you tell me to never message you again than leave me in limbo.

I don’t want you to think that I was being sarcastic when I told you I would always be there for you, I swear I meant it. Yes I come and go but I’ve always been there really, you just didn’t want to find me. I understand you don’t need me nor want me to talk to. I know I don’t fit into your world now or maybe I was clueless and actually never did fit with your life…but I felt like I did a while ago but that’s just a memory now.

I keep trying to find you in people and places…I put you in shops, restaurants and virtually anywhere where I need to see you. You’re like some kind of imaginary friend for me, I can’t forget you and what’s worse is that I don’t want to and that I actually love thinking of you. I loved the person you were before and I would hate to think of you being different because of that sad thing that happened that year that I contacted you after a while. You were amazing then and I know that you are so strong…I don’t want you to ever change.

Perhaps you take my mind off of the world when I don’t want to face it, maybe you are like this other reality that I hide in when things are too difficult. I understand that this is my problem and that I shouldn’t involve you or blame you. I think I have actually created memories that weren’t real, I also feel like I am grieving someone who is still alive. Perhaps I never dealt with the loss of you when I should have.

What I would give to go back and not make those mistakes, but I can’t help but think that it wouldn’t have made much difference because that’s what you wanted wasn’t it? To lose contact with me forever, to blame me for the reason why you don’t speak to me. 

For the first time, honestly, I want to be your friend and only this. I’m mature enough now to understand how important it was for me to have you around. I know it’s too late now but you know that I will always hope and that I’m still waiting for your reply.

Always will be.