Dear Martial,

I think I discovered the secret to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. You know the phrase, “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else”? I’ve never realized how true that statement is until we happened. Okay, more specifically, “you can’t have a healthy relationship that lasts for more than 3-4 months if you hate yourself”. 

Y’know, there’s a pattern that I see in relationships. If you have one or more people with absolute shit self-esteem, it’s almost always going to have two outcomes. Either you are going to be completely obsessed with the other person, or the other person is going to be incredibly invested in you. Fuck, I’ve been in both situations, and I can confidently tell you that both of them are shit. I mean, when you think about it, it makes sense right? If you hate yourself, you won’t be able to accept the love someone else is giving you because you’ll think you don’t deserve it. And the opposite is true, where you can fall head over heels for someone who literally could not care about your existence. 

That being said, I do hope that you find value in yourself. I hope you’re able to work through your depression and make it till one more sunrise. I promise that it’ll get better one day. It might take a few years, but I promise things will get better for you. You just have to live to see that day. I wish you all the love and happiness this shitty world has to offer. Hopefully the girl you end up falling for loves you just as much as you love her. Just promise me to cherish her because she got real goddamn lucky. Invite me to ya’lls wedding. I will probably get shit faced. God, I don’t know why that was so hard to write. I guess I’m still trying to accept that I will never be that person. I will never be the person you spend your life with even though that is something I want so desperately.

It’s okay tho. I know I’ll be able to make it through this. I’ll come out of this as a wiser and stronger version of myself. So, I truly do wish you all the love and happiness in the world. Hopefully one day you’ll be content with yourself and see what an amazing person you are. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to find contentment and see what an awesome person I am too.

Ray