Rough day with ex

Rough day with ex

Rough day with ex

Good night. 
Hey, you, I heard what you said about getting the stuff back and at the same time of you telling me that, I was in the process of crying and gathering your stuff up to bring to you and printing off a letter. Because after I had calmed down, I came to the conclusion that I did not want the stuff back that’s, why I didn’t reply back. Because I did not want to get you upset or have you gripping at me over it or over me changing my mind. Your right; I did buy the things, cause I loved you, and wanted things for us to be able to do things together, and have the stuff on hand as we needed it, and also bought the other stuff for you, cause I know you needed it, and made the other stuff out of my heart, cause I was thinking of you, when I made the stuff.

You are my heart, you always will be to even thou I don’t have you in my life and you’re in someone else’s. You will always carry the key with you that belongs to my heart. And to see you hurt and upset and angry and bitter it broke me along with what you said about me. 

Your words hit my heart hard when you said the old me was back that 
you knew I would not change when I had. These words killed my soul;  (spiteful, angry, selfish, self centered). And few other things you said I was like wowww. That’s not the new me or me in general; I do have a heart of gold and I do give, and not worry about receiving back; I’m not an Indian giver ever. I was just upset and I didn’t want any other girl using my items that I bought for me to use while I was with you.

Plus, I owe you so much more for coming back being part of my life; you have no idea how happy that made me to see you again. I wish I could repay you for every little thing, I know I owe you for; for all the happy memories you have given me again; but I know, since you won’t be part of my life anymore, it will not happen. But I did try to show you how much; I did appreciate you for being part of my life.

I apologize that you could not see no change in me that I have made. Which shocked me. I tried showing you I had changed with way of doing things, and even with the jealousy, and trying to stay calm talking to you with a calm voice, I really don’t think, I ever even once raised my voice to you this time and believe I bowed down to staying calm even when you was upset yelling I still stayed calmed; and tried to let you breath, gather your thoughts, and even tried doing things right way for you to stay my partner or friend in my life. I treasure you more than you will ever know. Wish you could see that. But!!!

Since I knew you still loved her and you was going to walk away from me again. I felt it in my heart. I felt it when you would not touch me like you use to. I want you to know; I still like to have your friendship in my life
so I wrote you a letters. I hope you read these letters, I think they are 
good ones. Think you might like them. 

And little be hold I wrote her one to; to tell her how I felt about this whole 
situation to. Hope she reads hers. 

The reason I did is; Because I love you even thou I can’t have you in my arms and heart I want you to be happy in life. If it is with her; then be it. But I do know, I didn’t do nothing really bad this time for you to walk away from me like you have and I’m not going to either. I got you back into my life speaking to me, why would I do something to jeopardize that. Nope not happening. Plus the other thing I want to bring up is. I did tell you online for you two; I wish you the best, cause I saw you go into her road as I was leaving the road I was on. The road that the house I cleaned is on is right across from her road. As I was pulling out to bring you your liquor you asked me about; I noticed you pulling into her road. And I knew right were you was going, with what you had been posting online on Facebook.
I knew you was missing her and you was letting her know you loved her still. Then when I seen you go onto her road, I knew what happened and that was all I needed to see.

That hurt me deeply in my heart, to see we didn’t even have time to work with a counselor to see if we could work through our communication issues, to see if it would help or not. 
So from that point on, I just pretty much got quiet, cause I knew if I hadn’t you would had a reason to hate me again. I was not chancing that. I didn’t want to lose your friendship. Really didn’t want to lose you, but I did. And the only reason why I said it was; cause I knew you guys got back together, and I was really letting you know nicely.  

I really do wish you guys the best, that’s why I wrote the letters. 

Plus I saw you change the day you came to my house from court, that was the moment I felt you slip away,  became distant, was when you dropped that dam thing against her. I could see it in your eyes and way you touched me. And laid on the bed like you did. That’s when I knew you was still hooked up on her; in love with her. 

But I get it. If that is were your heart is then you need to be with her into your heart isn’t in it no more with her. You really do need to be happy and not angry all the time. You deserve to have a smile on your face, and love in your heart. I do wish I could have put it there but I see I was not enough for you to wear one. But like I said it’s ok. You can’t help who you love or who you don’t, like I can’t help I love you all thou I can’t have you for the rest of my life. 

But wish I did have your friendship. But since you constantly blocking me thinking I don’t care for you and don’t want the best for you. I want to tell you you’re wrong; when I do. Or to let you know how I feel or give me the chance to be a true friend. Or talk about our things in life and material stuff deeply Hurts me. Sometimes I just didn’t understand, why you said we was just friends, then get mad when I didn’t reply so quick. Friends don’t act like that, things happen in a person life that sometimes they can’t control, therefore when they can reply they do. 

But you are the one that said we was not in no relationship so since we was not in no relationship situation; it should of been treated differently then it was. When I had time to reply I would or when I was not busy doing something I would. Friends don’t always have time to drop everything to reply to a friend they do the best to reply when they can. Only time a person drops every thing to reply to another person on drop of a dime is when they are In a true relationship because that’s part of your partners job.

But we was just friends trying to talk. Into you keep telling me to leave you alone. Then I was trying to give you your wish. I just got quite and didn’t respond, did I want to be quite-no but did I want you upset with me-no. I was so confused on what to do to answer or not. So since I was on my end not knowing what to do to respond or not; I chose wrong and got quite since I thought it keep you from being upset at me since you told me that was what you wanted. 

Put yourself in my shoes for a minute read the stuff you said to me and think how that would make you feel if I was saying it to you. I never did that to you I was constantly telling you how proud I was of you. How well you was doing a good job and how of a good man you was. Instead of using criticism, put you down, and degrading you. I was building you up at least trying to. But (WHY?) with the way you was talking to me was upsetting to me; why would I want to talk if every time I tried to build you up you was knocking me down. So since I felt like you really didn’t want to talk, I didn’t then you got mad at me for being quite. I didn’t know what to do 

I wish I could if read your mind. But I’m no psychic so I couldn’t so I just stayed confused and guess chose the wrong choices since you shut me out. I’m sorry but if you had not told me leave you alone I would have continued to tell you good morning and good night. (((Just like you sent that last message on Facebook I didn’t no to respond to it or not; cause I was afraid if I did you block me; then I was thinking you wouldn’t if you saw I was leaving you alone Into you talked to me and gave me the ok to talk or into you sent me a message to check up on me as a friend. But I seen you 
blocked me anyways.

See how confused I was and since my thinking was wrong you, I see you blocked me to where I could not say nothing to you. So I see now guess our friendship is over but I really would not of said nothing into you gave me the ok to talk. I valued you in my life. 
Since you blocked me I could tell you had anger towards me no matter what I did to ease that pain. You was still going to be constantly upset at me. I’m sorry. 

But I felt with what you was saying the only choose I had was to get quiet and let you cool off at times. But I always wanted to talk to you so bad and I couldn’t stand it killed me inside but I was giving you space and letting you calm down so maybe we could talk as friends with out you being upset with me. 

Don’t you think or realize it kills me inside to know you feel like I ignored, dismissed, or disregarded you. When every time I turned around you keep throwing  it up to my face to give you space or leave you alone. It hurt to hear you say that. When all I was trying to do was be there for you. I totally have been hurting to you know, with what was going on with my mom and knowing 

I was losing you, and I didn’t know how to get you to talk to me calmly. So only chose  I had was to start consulting a therapist for help on the situation and get quiet; but before we had given that a chance to see if it would help you done on the path of walking away from me even as a friend. Even when I still tried to reach out to tell you good morning or good night as a friend or be a shoulder you can lean on you shut me out, how could I do that when every time I turn around you always pushing me away.  

You know there is so much I want to talk to you about in general as a friend like true friends communicate when it comes to aspects of life but truth is I could never hardly find you in a calm tone when it came to talking to me or I didn’t know how to start a conversation about things. Lord don’t I ever wish I had classes on Communication to learn how to connect right with others. To know how to start a conversation or end one to know when to speak and not to speak,  when to just be a listener; but I haven’t and so it’s hard for me to change but I have. I believe I have done some things better then I have in the pass. Haven’t I? 

Yea my life upcoming was not a pretty one. From the moment I was in my moms stomach. They didn’t want me and my dad tried to cut me out of my moms stomach. Then when I was born I was the reason why my parents split up cause when I was born I was not the child my dad wanted and I didn’t look like him so he excused my mom of cheating on him. Then after that my mom was a bitter old lady kind of person cause she was stuck with two kids on her own to raise for that reason she moved back to Kentucky and then she raised me wrong. She neglected me and left me with my grandparents all the time, when she was around she took her anger out on me. Then when I was three I got pushed off onto my grandparents cause she wanted to run the roads and they raised me from their on out. On a farm trying their best with their ages. Knowing they had to start all back over again in their old age. That’s how I did get the good traits I do have a lot me. I do have a heart, I’m not the bitch you think I am.

But! Once my grandparents died I died inside to knowing then I would have been on my own trying to raise myself the best I could along with raising my kids. It was hard I didn’t have no true guidance and I missed up pretty bad in my younger years of life with them. I tried raising them in several different places and on the weekends I left them with my mom since she had nothing else to do in life since she was not dating and she wanted to watch them.

But I messed up one night and left them with my aunt to watch them and something happened then my mom got her chance to take my kids away from me full time. Since she messed up raising me and she regretted it she thought why not take them from me. Instead of being a mother to me and backing me up she hurt me. Cause she saw all the money that was coming in on my kids. She was money hungry and lonely. I hated her for that cause she was not a mother to me to was now my enemy. She didn’t have to do that to me.

But from that point on our relationship was never good, with them or with my own mom with what she put me through. So try to understand I did my best and my best turned out wrong and now I’m still trying to straighten it out I thought I was doing a good job into here lately. I fall back to a hard spot but I’ll bring myself out of it. I’m stronger than most people think I am. But for what I have been through this pass several years. 

I know I have changed and I thought I was changing still in a positive way. I know I did change some for example, I don’t fight no more like I use to I walk away, I do try to do my best to not raise my voice to you or to them. Really don’t believe I have raised my voice to you this time. But I know there is other aspects of my life that I have changed to and I know I still have some more to go. But less I am trying. I just wish you had not threw the towel in on our friendship, and continued to see the changes I make. I’m not perfect and I don’t believe no one in this world is, just keep that in mind. Well that’s all I wanted to say for now was I wish we was still friends. I miss your talks and your thoughts and your morning and night texts. But I do hope you’re doing ok and do hope your dad is still doing good. I’ll close this letter for now. Just know you do mean a lot to me, I’m here always ever need something or just a shoulder to lean on. I care for you always. I miss you.


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