When I feel myself start to hate you or start to get mad it’s almost like when an infection in your body start and immediately the white blood cells start fighting. My white blood cells are the good memories. I see us at the beach. I see us in our cars, holding hands and blasting music. I see us sucking helium and performing bohemian rhapsody. I see you hitting your hole in one in mini golf. I see your face at lolla with Better Not playing in the background. I see us falling off a jetski. I see you teaching me to go down the bunny slope in Boone. I see us at galantis in Charlotte. I see us at camp being the worlds best and worst camp counselors. I see us in arcades. I see us at great wolf lodge. I see us in my basement playing Mario kart until the morning. I see us almost crashing on the way to Philly. I see us at Zedd, my dream come true. I see us in our airbnb with you yelling do you conquer. I see us looking for two ice cream jugs after I accidentally threw them out of the car instead of a bag of trash. 

I see us in the parlor room. I see us in the triple. I see us in the presidential suite. I see us dressed up as a fake id and a juul pod box. See you as a cop and me as a donut.  I see us as troy bolton and basketball. I see my random videos of you all over my phone like the one where I use your arm as a card holder. I see hashtash se acabo tu fiesta. I see our mixtapes. I see our valentine’s day. I see us indoor skydiving. I see us cooking together. I see every sheetz run we ever had. I see us off meth walking around DC unaware of how hard we would eventually fall in love. I see us in a helicopter. I see us at the dog park with Gus or Lucas. I see us holding Wally. I see us with Santa or the easter bunny and our pups. I see us at waka flocka. I see us at Acme or Banditos high out of our minds and just enjoying each other. I see every breakfast, every brunch, every lunch and every dinner. I see us at sur la table, the best ones there. I see us at busch gardens. I see us dying at Kings Dominion. I see everyone I tried to catch you saying the N word on camera but you never let me, not even for $50. I see us peaking taylor and sending her on a scavenger hunt. I see us bowling. I see us getting our nails done time and time again. I see us at the parade of homes. I see us somewhere in a pool or a hot tub. I see us at the ballet. I see your eyes and how those pupils would get bigger for me every time you looked me in the eye. I see us in the kitchen dancing.

I see our I love you’s. I see how hard it was to let each other go. I see our goodbyes. I see us in Elizabethtown. I see our supercut. And then suddenly, nothing else matters. Not ian, not jew cowboy, not all the breaks and breakups, nothing. When our montage runs in my mind and I see the words we’ve exchanged and I remember how much love and magic flowed through us, nothing else matters. Everything but us ceases to exist. But that’s not right. Maybe the bad did outweigh the good. I wish that I wasn’t blind to all the bad. I wish that I could hate you. I really do. I wish I could be indifferent towards you, I swear I do. You left this mark on me, this just isn’t the same as any other silly little breakup. Maybe that’s foolish of me to believe but I reject that you were meant to be my stranger. I don’t accept that I wasn’t meant to know you forever. So I am choosing to let you go.

I’m choosing to surrender all the passion and all the love that I have for you and for who we used to be. Because I know that that montage that plays in my head hasn’t been us in a long time. I am choosing to believe that if all it takes is time and space, one day you’ll be back in my life and things won’t be so toxic and suffocating anymore. You deserve more than me and it’s been really hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea of you with someone else, obviously. That’s only because I still love you Lilly. But if you’re happier now, then I know that that’s all that matters. Somewhere along the way I lost myself and I turned into a monster. I turned into this rage full, disrespectful, monster who rips up posters and smashes pictures and shows up somewhere uninvited and wants to fight.

Somewhere along the way I forgot that you don’t treat someone you love the way that I have treated you. You don’t manipulate the people you care about. You don’t harass the people you care about. So this will be my final letter to you. Maybe these are things I’ve said countless times before but I will always be here for you. I have no doubt that no matter how many years go by, you will not stop passing by my mind. If you ever need anything from me and I can help, I will. You will never stop being family. I’m sorry for the words that I’ve thrown at you that have caused you any pain. I could never regret you. I could never regret us. I will never forget our little montage. Our memories. You were my teenage dream. As much as it pains me, I know that you weren’t made to love me forever. I’m just honored that I got the time that I did.