Dear Jay,

You’ll never see this. You’ll never know that on a random afternoon, four days post-breakup, I write this letter in hopes to get all of this out of my chest. I don’t even really know how to start. In the summer, I wanted friends. I had lost a previous friendship that tore me apart for awhile. I had also been dealing with a traumatic past from my last ‘ex’. During that time, I met you. I can remember a few things you had said to me which erupted butterflies within my stomach. You called me a sweetheart, made me smile and told me you were glad you met me. I remember we stayed up until 5 am texting because you were oh so interesting and I was so captivated by everything that you were. Before I went to sleep that night, I made you promise me you will be here the next day. And you were there the next day. And the days after that. But six months later, you are not there anymore. As a friend, sure, but I don’t even know if either of us wants to be. It’s silly, I know. This only lasted such a short period of time but I just can’t seem to let go of you yet. I don’t think you know this. If you knew, I know you would’ve been crushed. I only intended for us to be ‘flirty friends’ and nothing more. I didn’t want a relationship yet. I was so young. I already went through bad trauma with others and I was just looking for a short term guy. A rebound, if you will. So when you expressed that you wanted me to be your girlfriend sometime soon, I was shocked. It was either having you or not having you. I chose to have you. That was my first mistake in our relationship. I’m sorry that you were originally my summer fling. And I’m so sorry I told my friend that you were my summer fling and she outed it to you that day. I remember how upset you were and fuck I wish I could take away that pain. You were asking me for answers, begging for them. I could feel the anger and the sadness and the pain you were in because you wanted me forever. From that day on, I made you my life. I made you my happiness and I forgot about the rest of the world just so I could be in your embrace forever. 

There was so much good we had, Jay. I have talked to so many girls and boys but nobody made me feel the same way you did. I was your baby, your princess, your angel, your sweetheart and so much more. I was your peanut butter cup, remember? I was your forever girl and you cherished me like no one else had and it hurts so fucking much Jay. You accepted all my scars and mistakes and flaws and quirks and weirdness and every insecurity I ever had. You would tell me that all of my insecurities were perfect to you and that you hate when I don’t see myself the way you do. We were so close, Jay. So close yet we were so far away. All I ever wanted was to kiss everywhere on your face and tell you how much you mean to me. Our values were the same, our love language was the same, our political opinion was similar, our personalities complimented each other, our relationship goals were the same.. It was perfect. Until it was not. 

You know we both have problems. Unfinished business from our past that crept up on us and made us sad, vulnerable, angry, irritated, and scared. I am so sorry about what your mother did and what your cousin did and your dad and your ex and everyone. I am so sorry for your past and the feelings that you still hold to this day. And gosh, I am so sorry for never giving you enough love that you needed. I know you are sorry for mine as well. We both have issues that were left unresolved because we thought that our love was strong enough to overcome it. It wasn’t. How much I wish I knew that before. I know I have my fear of intimacy and Im so happy you stood by me throughout the entire time. You didn’t pressure me into anything but I know I am a people pleaser so I did stuff for you and not for me. Another mistake of mine. Im so proud of you for staying with me through that because I know its hard to see someone hurting and not understanding the pain at all. I wasn’t fully healed from my past and from those people who scarred me. I should’ve dated when I was healed. 

You would hurt all day physically and build up all this anger and take it out on everything. Including me sometimes. And each time you would apologize and feel terrible and cry to me like you were a baby and you needed all of my protection and love. But then you’d do it again. You made yourself mean because you were self sabatoging this relationship because all your life you thought you didn’t deserve love but finally someone gave you that love.. And It wasn’t good but I understand why you did that. I hated when you yelled at me and called me an asshole and then apologize and love me again. These were your issues. And darling, I know I have been an asshole and a bitch and crazy to you, too. We all have our problems. But these constant fights we had were ruining our love that was so pure.

How many times have we thought it was going to be the end but it wasnt. A lot. Slowly every fight we had would break my heart and I’d be left wondering when our relationship would end. You’d get angry or I would regret things we did the night before. One of those things would always happen. Nobody was getting what they wanted in the end. But every night when I’d hear your sweet voice that calmed me down and comforted me and babied me and lulled me into sleep with your bedtime stories, those bad feelings would disappear and I was yours and you were mine and we were happy. Two weeks ago when you asked for a break, I had known that our relationship was ending. However, the night you came back we fought for the last time. And we loved together for the last time. It was mutual agreement to be friends for awhile but then four days ago hit. And I was dumped. Everything flashed before my eyes but I was so in shock, no tears could fall. You let me go and I had to let you go. Jay, when you told me you no longer saw me romantically, my heart sunk six feet into my chest. All of these promises you gave me and the hope I had for our future. They are all gone. I cant even describe the pain. The pain I felt and still feel that you did not feel. It hurts so bad. My love is gone. Forever. You have your friends and your dreams and aspirations and that is enough for you. But it felt like a part of my world was lost now. 

I don’t want you back, Jay. I don’t want to date you again and get engaged to you and marry you and have kids with you and grow old with you. But a part of me does. And apart of me might always long for the love and intimacy you gave me. Apart of me will always miss this love we had. All of our memories and laughter and happiness and tears. I needed to lose you in order to be able to find myself. I lost myself trying to chase after boys who’d leave me. I thought you’d never leave.. But you did. I don’t know who I am but one day I will. One day you will be a distant memory in my head and all my tears will be gone. I do miss you everyday, every hour, every second. I miss your voice and your face and everything you are. I know I shouldn’t, but apart of me still wants you in my future and wants to hold you forever in my arms. However, I have to get over you. It will be a long process but I know that one day I will. It is for the better. Who knows if I’ll text you again. Who knows if in four years I want you back and we continue everything we had. Who knows if I’ll never talk to you again. I dont know.. But what I do know is that everything happens for a reason. We lose people for a reason. I take this as a lesson to never lose yourself when loving someone else. Never love someone else when you have no love for yourself. You told me to love myself, and so I will. Not for you. But for me. I lost you in order to find myself and my purpose in life. You were just a stepping stone I had to overcome in order to reach my true happiness. Thank you for all the amazing memories and for loving me. I hope one day I can see your name and my heart doesn’t cry out in pain. I hope one day we can be normal friends and I hope one day you are happy and get the help you need–with or without me. 

I love you, Jay. Take care.