I lived so many years on the idea that it takes two to tango. When I brought up how I felt that you were treating me without respect, you’d always go on the offense, turning the discussion into a list of the things I was doing wrong and needed to improve. It always came back to the sex. Even though you told me I was lying when I told you I want it, it’s still true that I want to have kinky sex be a part of my life. You just wouldn’t believe me when I told you that I needed you to show me in our day to day life that you respect me and would honor my boundaries in order for me to be able to have it with you without it being damaging to my self esteem.
I understand that for you it was no big deal that you used my shampoo even though I told you no, even though I gave you my reasons for telling you no; it’s expensive and I need to order it special to keep my scalp from drying out to the point it bleeds. It was no big deal when you ignored me when we went out with your friends. No big deal that I disagreed with your perfectly reasonable stance that your share of the housework should be cooking and the “other half” would be my job. No big deal that you wouldn’t get up from the computer when I got home from work, but would insist that I greet you with a hug every time you came home after I did.
But those things were a big deal. They were part of a pattern where you ignored me unless you wanted something from me, told me outright that I was lying when I stated my needs and feelings, didn’t respect me telling you no, and demanded more from me than from yourself in our relationship. I can promise you, you could have had the kinky sex you wanted – that I wanted – if you had only listened when I told you what I needed to feel like you were treating me with respect. But no matter how low my self esteem was at that point, and no matter how much I had convinced myself that it was all up to me to earn your respect, I was not going to be able to let someone that doesn’t value and respect me call me names and beat me. It didn’t feel like a game to me anymore, it just felt like you wanted to hurt me for real.