things i wish i could tell you (but who knows if i’ll ever get to)

things i wish i could tell you (but who knows if i’ll ever get to)

things i wish i could tell you (but who knows if i’ll ever get to)

Dear l.a.w,
You made me believe in soulmates & happily ever afters & kisses in the poring rain in the middle of a walk to the park. you made me feel things that nobody had ever made me feel before. you used to ask me all the time why i thought that you were worth loving, & although i used to laugh & just say “what’s not to love?” this is what i really meant:

because when i look at you, i see us growing old together. i think we both have a lot to learn from each other. i want the childhood stories & the constantly getting to know each other. even when we think we already know everything there is to know about each other. i want to communicate & work through the bad days instead of getting stressed & irritated with each other.

because you make me feel safe & like i’m at home & i belong. & i want to be that for you. i never want you to feel like you’re unimportant & like nobody cares. because i do. i always have & i always will. i want to be your soft spot to land when life feels impossible. i want to hear about your day & be happy for you on the good ones, & love you extra through the bad ones i want you to know i love you & i genuinely care.

because i love your silly, goofy, dorky personality. i love how out of the blue you’d get a random burst of energy where you would hug me soooo tight, or you’d start kissing my face all over. hell, i even miss when you would randomly bite me. i love your silly comments or when you’d get in a playful mood & you’d tickle me or we’d play fight. you were my best friend for 10 months, & i fell in love with absolutely everything about you. even the things that some people would hate, i wanted more. you’re like a drug to me. i don’t need to get fucked up to feel anything, because you make me feel it all. all the time. & sometimes it makes me wanna scream at the top of my lungs. 

because i want to support you through everything in your life. i want to be your biggest supporter. whatever you want to do in your life, i will always be in your court, cheering you on. you are growing up to be such an amazing man, & anything you put your mind to, i will 100% be behind you on it. 

because we always have fun together, no matter what we’re doing. i never have to pretend around you, & i don’t want you to ever feel like you have to pretend around me. you’re a fun guy, & there’s never a dull moment with you. 

because i want a future with you. i want the mornings where we wake up & our hair is messy, i want the late night conversations where we tell each other goodnight & then 2 seconds later one of us starts a new conversation.

because i want a family with you, & to make a home together. i want you on both your good & bad days, i want you even when everyone else says we shouldn’t be together. i am always going to fight for & defend you. 
i want to be there to cheer you up, & listen to whatever’s on your mind without you feeling bad for opening up. i wanna hold you & love on you. i wanna make new memories with you, & i wanna fall in love with you more & more everyday. 

i still haven’t shaken the feeling of butterflies when i just think of you or when you call me cute or something along those lines. you still make me blush like it’s the first time, all over again. hell, someone just bringing you up makes me blush. 

i want you to feel valid & appreciated & i want you to KNOW that you are exactly those things. i don’t know if you realize this or not, but i look up to you. a lot. & i’m not just saying that because our height difference. but i admire you. i admire how strong, & smart, & overall just AMAZING you are. i admire the way that your mind works & the way that you put 110% into everything, when you have your mind set on it. 

i want everything that you have to offer. i want you through the pointless fights, & the bad days. i want you when life seems like seems like it couldn’t get any better. i want the good morning & good night texts & sweet paragraphs to each other out of the blue. -i’m not saying you HAVE to do that, but i miss sending you sweet texts like that. i want to hold your hand all the time, & i want cute nicknames for each other. i wanna call you mine forever. i want all the light hearted jokes & sarcasm without hurting each other’s feelings. i want the conversations where we spill all our feelings out, whether that’s because we just fought over something that’ll one day look dumb to us, or if it’s just out of the blue on a really, really good day. i want to be each other’s best friends. i want everything with you. i want to respect each other, & appreciate one another, for even the simple stuff like living another day. 

i know i’m rambling on & on, but you are worth everything & i don’t know how to express that to you enough. 
thank you for loving me, even when i didn’t. thank you for showing me what real music is & for dinner & movie dates out of the blue. thank you for letting me love your family as if they were my own & for teaching me how to be sneaky when i need to be. thank you for all the late nights we spent together & for all the scars that cover my body, that you made me fall deeper & deeper in love with. 

if time fails us, & you never get to be the father of my future babies, you will still be the boy i tell them about when they ask me about my first love. thank you for being that thrill i lacked in my life. thank you for being reckless. <3
i love you most, forever & always. 
your little reckless girl; m.j.c <33


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