Seeing clearly

Seeing clearly

Seeing clearly

To love lost,
I’ve been thinking lately and realized just how desperate I’ve been for someone to love me, like that makes me worthy. But remembering back on the good and bad I know the damage done changed me. Insecurities, crazy thoughts, acting out, I lost myself and got it it my head that I needed you. But honestly you crossed lines that I should never have accepted.

I’m sick of being lectured and biting my tongue because I never said anything after the fact. Fuck that. These rules I consciously follow for you that you implanted in me. You lump the bad and sum it up to you did some fucked up things but.. but you never to this day even admit to anything. You fucked around on me all the time, the most painful with my best friend. I was betrayed by the two people I cared about most. Do you know what that does to a person?

I don’t care anymore about staying silent so as to not hurt you or make you mad or follow bullshit rules. You did that and I pay for it everyday since. You stole from me and broke my shit, cost me money. You stole from my parents who never did shit but try to help you and welcomed you in. You were a horrible person. Can people change, of course. But changing myself has proved to be harder than I thought . It’s like you changed my DNA, the way I think, act and feel. Walking on eggshells, worrying about how to act , watching what I say. You’ve never had to do that around me.

Say I cheated, I wont argue anymore. I know I didn’t and just because you think I did doesn’t give you the right to treat me so horribly, intentionally. Like you’ve been trying to put me in my place or teach me a lesson. Telling me I’m no good, I’m not there for you, I don’t care. What you fail to realize is I lived and breathed for you, changed my life for you and you kept doing things to push me away and to hurt me, deceive me, betray me, then ask why I changed, why I behaved the way I did. You cut me so deep, my wounds have never healed.

So please keep ignoring me. That’s the best gift you could ever give me now. I need to let you go and since my heart is still dependent on your love, I need you to force me out. Find someplace you can take your stuff and cut all ties with me and never respond to me again. Erase me so i can find myself and find the happiness I deserve. 


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