I have so much to say to you. i knew i loved you when i came to your house for the first time, the first time i’d ever took my clothes off with a boy, you made me feel so safe, we hugged for what seemed like forever your nose touching mine. i remember your eyes, my favourite things to look at, deep brown, forgiving, they felt like home.
I messed things up bad and took you for granted more then i ever have anything in my life, you were a gift to me and i wasted it and threw you away too quickly because of my past, i didn’t think you were there for long but loosing you dragged me into a depression like no other, my heart aches still and it has been almost three months. when will this pain end? i keep messing up i know i do but the ways i choose to get over you are not yours to judge.
You were once my everything and my happiness and i look for you in everyone, no one makes me happy anymore and i’m scared if i put the effort in that i did with you i’ll loose myself worse then before and god knows what i’ll do. i feel worthless and disgusting but knowing your happy angers me more then it does uplift me. i’ll never know why that is, why seeing you with another girl makes me hate her more then it ever will you, why you messing up makes me happy and why me messing up makes me crumble.
I’m easy to read, everyone knows me, even your best friend who hates me can read me like a book, old friends from years ago still know me better then i know myself yet i tell myself i’ve changed.
There’s so much i want to tell you , so much i want to do with you still. remember in the kitchen with the strawberries and the whipped cream, remember the cheerios and the time we went on that walk and got lost because i took us the wrong way, remember that night we walked home at eleven listening to photograph by adele on the empty road? or that time we lay down in the middle of the road next to my house?
You don’t remember, but i do, i still wonder whether you think about me or miss me every so often, whether you still have the teddies i gave you or the blanket, whether you go to message me but never do.
You are my first love, the one i’ll remember forever, i wish we could’ve been forever, you mean the world to me still and will always be my favourite person, i hope sometime we can meet up again as strangers, talk like old times and just reminisce on the past, maybe share a kiss or two. sadly your leaving school and i won’t see you much, maybe you’ll get a car or a girlfriend maybe you’ll forget about me and move on like i think you already have, and i’ll still be sat here wondering what if.
i love you forever and always you are my boy