I just don’t get it

I just don’t get it

I just don’t get it

I’m never going to understand why you did this me and by never I mean never. How things got to this and why you left me, its been months now and not too long from now its going to be a year. Its already been a full year since I met you and if we were still together we’d be celebrating our one year anniversary since meeting. I loved you with all my heart and I still do even though everyone says I shouldn’t but I just can’t let you go. I’ve had my share of crushes and heartbreaks before you, I told you about some of them, but nothing has been as hard as dealing with my loss of you, nothing I’ve ever been through, not even the worst of things I’ve been through has been as hard as this.

Sometimes you would ask me when I looked at you why I looked like I wanted to cry, and I’d laugh it off and say I don’t want to cry and I’m not, in my mind I really wasn’t but maybe I was and I just didn’t know it, but if I was those were tears of joy and gratefulness for what I was given with you, the blessing you were to me, you were the answers to my prayers and the time I spent with you was like a dream a come true. Even when we would do things people would just shrug off as boring or normal, just spending that time with you made me so happy. If you saw me today and asked me why I looked like I wanted to cry or if I was, the answer would be yes I am and its because of you.

I saw something special in you that I don’t think I’ve seen in anyone else or if I had its rare, and I told you you’re a rare kind of person, and I told you were beautiful on the inside and out. The energy you had, how cheerful you always seemed even when you were down, how sweet you were, how cute you were, you were just naturally funny without even trying you always made me smile, even when I was having a bad day just the thought of you or knowing I’d see you later or texting you would put me at ease and take away all the bad.

I know after everything that happened after you left me, you’re never going to take me back and some of those things I did was to make sure I’d lose you forever just to make sure I’d cement my fate so that way I wouldn’t spend anymore time hoping for your return, it was painful and I regret it and I still miss you, and I’d still take you back no matter what, and I still cling to this small hope that maybe some miracle happens and you come back even if its years from now. I think the biggest problem in our world is how unwilling people are to give second chances I wasn’t given a lot of second chances but I’m always willing to give second chances, no matter what, to anyone and everyone, there’s no need to shut the door right away over a mistake, everyone makes them.

I honest to God have no idea what I did to you, and the people who read this may think to themselves I’m full of it or something, or I’m not taking responsibility for my actions or whatever, but that’s the honest truth that I’d swear everything on, ever since this all started, I’ve asked myself every single day, and I mean every single day, what went wrong, I’ve talked to so many people about it, you couldn’t even give me an answer yourself. My biggest regret with you is that I didn’t do more with you, or as much as I wanted to, I wanted to and I still would if I could, I’d give you the entire world and you know that, I’d give you everything. I remember I offered to take you to the beach and you wanted to take your friends, and I was okay with that I would have made that happen, I don’t just say I’m going to do something, I only offer what I can do, but then you left me just days later and then months later you went on that trip, and it was just sad, but I’m glad you had fun at least. 

Then I met someone you knew, someone you told me about before, I had no idea who it was until they started talking and all the details came out. The things they told me about you broke me, broke me even more than I already was, it was torture listening and learning these things about you, some your dark secrets, and I know these things are true because they were things you would talk about with little details, things you would shy away from, things that I had feeling were true but never brought up because I didn’t want to put on the spot or mess up the mood, and even knowing what I know now about you, I’d still give anything for you back, anything. 

After I lost you, I’d say “God take anything away from except for her” maybe I didn’t ask the right way but that prayer was answered, I never you lost you, I’m stuck with you, not in the way I would like, but in a horrible way, I spend everyday missing you, everyone I meet trying to find love again, I look for you inside of them. I told you this already there is nobody else like you, and I know you like that song Streets, “like you”, there is nobody like you, and before you I never knew anybody like you, you were a gem.  

I don’t know about you, but I remember our 5-6 hour phone conversations in the middle of the night, I remember when I was sick how you would bring me food and snacks, and the gifts you brought, and the letters you wrote on the wrapping, I remember how sad you claimed you were (because I don’t even know what’s true or not anymore) that you couldn’t see me. I remember the day we went to the malls, and it still lives in my memories as my favorite memory. 

You of all the people in my life, in my world, never would I have thought it would be you to cause me this much pain, this much heartache, this much suffering. I know I’m not perfect, but nobody is. I don’t know if I’m dumb or what but I just don’t understand it, I know you had your own life before me and have a life after me, I know you have your friends, your job, your education and I understand it and respect it perfectly, but you welcomed me in and I welcomed you, we never got in each others way and I remember nothing but having the blast with you, I remember the smiles we had, the jokes we made.

That person I met told me something that just struck me hard, “I know you why you two got along so well, you two are the same person”, you have no idea how jealous of you this person was of you, because they knew and they even told me they could see it my eyes that I just couldn’t treat them or love them the same as I did you, and they knew I loved you with all my heart and I never said those things out loud to them they just knew by the look on my face and what they could see in my eyes, and it was truth. They knew you and I were never going to get back together, and still they were jealous of how I saw you, and to be honest with you, I couldn’t treat them the same as I treated you. 

You changed my life so many ways, you’re still changing my life, there’s places I don’t even go to anymore because I don’t want to run into you or think of the times we went there, even the street where your job is I go out of my way to avoid it because I don’t want to see the place or think of how you’re there. You changed the way I look at people, you changed the way I look at myself, you changed the way I look at my friends and my family, you changed everything in ways you can’t even imagine. 

Obviously I’ve been talking to other people after you, and like I said they don’t even measure up to you, even one person I met that I am having some feelings for, those feelings aren’t even close to the feelings I had for you when I first met you, and this person is so far as good as its gotten since you, and I’ve talked to a decent amount of people after you I’ve gone out on dates with other people, some I just couldn’t even wait for it to be over because I just felt like I was downgrading, its like losing a million dollars and being given five dollars to make up for it, that’s how it feels but worse, you’re literally priceless. 

You have no idea how much time I spent looking up “how to get your ex-back” and how stupid I feel for believing that stuff or the regret I felt for not doing it sooner. There was something I bought on the day you decided to this to me, you were so quiet that day, I knew something was wrong, I felt bad I even asked you if I hurt your feelings or something, I felt sick to my stomach I was so worried because I just knew something wasn’t right, then you hit me with this horrible thing. You left me speechless when you sent me the message, and you even noticed I was taking a while to respond and wrote “say something” with the saddest looking emoji you could find. I look back at that day everyday and ask myself if I could have said something different to you fix this or prevent all of this, I look back before it, and to our last time seeing each other, I ask myself what I could have done different just to have the pleasure of you in my life.

I asked you, “don’t throw back into the darkness that I was living” and you didn’t you threw me into a whole new level darkness, I know you don’t believe in God, and there were few times in all this over the past months were I even questioned my faith, and even tell myself “so this is why she doesn’t believe”, I still believe but I can’t but ask myself why God would do this to me, how a loving God could hurt one of his people so deeply and expect love and dedication back, but I still love you even with all the suffering you caused me, so I can still love God who gives me everything, but I will admit I felt so let down and disappointed watching how everything played out no matter how hard I prayed, no matter how hard I begged him for you. 

I remember when I introduced you to my family, I remember how well you got along with them and them with you, they thought you were amazing they were so happy for me that I met you, I know you remember my Dad even wanted you to work for him because of how nice, responsible, and smart you were, and my Mom thought you were great too, they loved the stuff you baked, they even joked with me “you can’t let her go, she’s too good of a baker”, the couch you sat on next to me as we watched movies, I see it everyday its in my living room, and I hate sitting there because I’m just reminded of the times you came over and I see nothing but an empty seat next to me with the memories.

I know you’re probably never going to read this or see this, but you know exactly who I am and you know exactly who you are, I don’t get it, I don’t understand, and I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone I loved as much as you even if I marry them and die with them, but I hope if I do its soon, and they can make me as happy as you did, and I already told you that, “I hope I don’t have to, but if I do I hope I can meet someone that makes me as happy as you did”. You’re always going to have special in my heart though, and that’s not necessarily a good thing for you or me but you’re definitely going to live in my memories, and when I think about you I’ll smile for a bit then cry soon after, and I’m always wonder how things could have been if we would have stayed together, the future we could have had.

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