It’s really sad you never let yourself know who I was

It’s really sad you never let yourself know who I was

It’s really sad you never let yourself know who I was

Nearly two decades together through some of the craziest storms that any pair had ever faced. The near-death experiences and the actual death experience should have built a bond that heaven and hell could never separate. But unfortunately that’s not the case is it? I’ll never forget while I was doing CPR on you how the thought came through my mind did I really want to be doing this. How tragically sad that the man that I love beyond words and brought me to a place of such desperation but I found a cardiac arrest to possibly be my escape from The daily agony and pain of the constant criticism condemnation and cruel short-tempered fuse that you insisted I live upon these egg shells that were cutting me to pieces.

Every way that I could imagine I tried to accommodate everything you had I was a fool to believe that I meant to you what you meant to me. Young naive dumb optimistic I didn’t know then that it was hope the dies last. I never even knew the word gaslighting or narcissism until after we split and it all makes so much sense now but still today I can’t even believe but that’s really you even though all of the writings on the wall I still held on to this facade of hope that you would be out doing your thing one day and finally realize what a foolish mistake you made and come rushing back and do everything you could to fix it but no instead you went and found some dried up has been mud turtle to pet your ego and groom your false sense of manhood. It’s really sad when someone has to have the approval of another to be secure with themselves I feel so sad for you to be so lost within your own being that you look in a mirror and see nothing but a shell.

I saw the world and it came crashing down on that last fight that went too far. I figured you’d go and do your thing like before and it would all calm down and because it’s always been but when you didn’t come back you did me the greatest favor you’ve ever done for me. The presents that looms in this home of your absence is still lingering all these years later yet anytime you do come to visit your real presence is like a dark cloud the debilitates my ability to remember I have more reasons than I like to admit to keep that door shut. Perhaps it’s empathy that keeps it open or hope deferred that maybe you really aren’t the evil person that you are. Because knowing that I gave you the best years of my life for you to give them to so many others behind my back and degrade my name and spread such lies. You know the depression I’ve battled and how many times I’ve been so close to being successful with the suicide.

How could you hurt me when all I ever wanted to do was love you? When did people become disposable usable transferable vows to another my good God if only you knew what you’d really done. And then to think that you actually have the audacity all these years later to just show up and be in the mindset that things are going to get back to what they were without even talking just walk in the door and make yourself comfortable take whatever you wish and do whatever you want and move things and all of that act like you live here hang the house over in my head like a carrot taunting me with it as you go back and forth undecided whether or not I have the right to live here even though you insisted I had it when I tried to leave in the first place I’m saying it was the only thing that you felt good about was leaving it to me and quit trying to take it from me.

Quit being angry because I’ve grown to respect myself enough to not allow you a position in my life to where you can hurt me anymore. It still hurts so bad every damn day day and you know what a little bit of honesty a little respect a little admittance of your heart could have gone a long ways but you’re the flawless god in your own oz who obviously could never be wrong. The double standards the name calling the controlling the checking up the psycho stalking I couldn’t even pick out my own clothes without conflict either I never put myself together well enough for you or I was trying to attract another person because I was too put together yet you wouldn’t pick him out for me you would just always have something negative to say.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to spend eight hours at work trying to think of one thing that you can say to your husband when you arrive at home that won’t be halted immediately with a lashing of the tongue. You tried to tell me to be positive when that’s all I ever was and you left me in this puddle of emotions feeling worthless and useless used up hideous meat that’s what you said… Why? Because when you stopped seeing that I was still a human I stopped idolizing you because I no longer petted your ego? Because a doormat finally started to grow a backbone and it didn’t suit your needs. So you had to turn the whole town against me make me out to be some monster?

I should have seen the writing on the wall I mean obviously it’s your mo cuz look at your history I just didn’t want to believe it I wanted better for you I’ve seen so much in you and I really believed it was my fault the way you made it seem I thought if I just love him more if I just give enough if I just do enough if I just try harder if I just keep going if I just sacrifice something else as if my whole life wasn’t enough of a sacrifice to begin with. I love you I do but it’s the biggest mistake of my life and the regret that I carry for giving you what you never deserved makes me hate myself to a point that’s so dangerous I don’t like to even admit it here in this anonymous letter. I don’t want to succumb to myself crushed by the dreams that you stole from me I don’t want to succeed to the point to where your agony and regret is the cause of your demise.

I feel sorry for you, one day and I’m so mad at you I really think that I could do something I never thought I’d be capable of doing to another person and then the next moment I feel so guilty for even thinking of hurting you that I know I would still be angry even if I got all of this out because what you did was wrong so f****** wrong and you know it and you never tried to make it right. I understand you could have changed your choices. However multiple times I explained to you as you told me that you were sorry for my pain that you could help heal it by being honest but you can’t deflate yourself enough to do that. It hurts to be so easily disposed of by someone I thought would always protect me. I was there for you I was down for you I stood by you I went above and beyond and did more than any person ever should ever do for another and I did it gladly the letter I found after you left that you wrote about me the nicest words you’d ever said that you never gave to me about me having a selfless Love and then I would joyfully go without to give to another all the things that you had to have understood in order to have written that yet still you let me go you walked away you didn’t look back until much much too late and then after you rolled your oats all through the town you thought I would just be here with open arms ready to Grant your desires and be that person for you again. Yeah you really do think I’m a stupid fool and now you try to use intimidation to make me afraid of you again knowing that I’m riddled with cancer fear doesn’t have the same hold on me anymore my friend.

I’ve lost everything. The betrayal of my family because of outlandish lies. Quitting my life to care for my grammy just to watch covid steal her away. Because of the oppression my daughter holds resentment that I can never change.My dog is under The Apple tree and you’re to blame. Yet when you land yourself back in jail who’s there for you to send you stupid coloring books and make sure you’ve got your top ramen my God what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I treat you the way that you treat me? I wish you never would have taught me what hate was I used to believe that there’s nothing more painful than love but that’s not true is it? Becoming bitter when all I’ve ever strive to do is become better watching this hate change who I am knowing my days are numbered as I sit here I’ll isolated from all of mankind I wonder what I’m still even doing here…

Why am I letting myself suffer just to wait for my demise? Because I wanted to prove the world wrong, I wanted to be worth life. Cursed before birth the rejected mistake that never should have been I wanted so badly to overcome to not only survive but thrive. I wanted people to be amazed at how much I had overcome and with that victory I wanted to help others and now I just want the pain and cuz I didn’t become better I became bitter and nothing can change any of it my tears keep falling the bills keep piling up the waters are rising so tell me why should I keep fighting? It’s not like anyone’s even going to know when I’m gone I wonder how long my corpse will lay in this house before anybody even knows and you’re out there flaunting you’re look at me I’m amazing feel sorry for me because she’s crazy that’s why I left right yeah same story with each EX. .why didn’t I see it? I guess Walt Disney brainwashed me into believing the fairy tales came true but maybe sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way and sometimes even if you try with all you’ve got someone has to be Job so why not me. I accept it and embrace it now I’m too tired to fight anymore I gave it my all I’m sorry you couldn’t see everything you had when you still had a chance and now before long your pacemaker will keep taking on after I’m long gone and I’m sad for you I’m so sorry for the guilt that you have to live with that’s killing you inside that you refuse to face because we both know if you had to you couldn’t live with yourself anymore.

So good luck on your endeavors and may you receive out of this life whatever it is that you deserve nothing more nothing less and in the meantime if you wouldn’t mind letting me live whatever is left of my life in peace well that would be fabulous because I want these 10 pairs of rose colored glasses on until the day I get to go be with my grammy again which hopefully will be very soon but we both know that the chances of my suffering being short probably isn’t going to be the case but hey a girl can be stupid and dream right? Call me bubonic and don’t forget my tombstone is not to have my name or my dates that I was on this Earth I only wanted to say “she tried” and God knows I did…Thank you for the good times forgive yourself for the ones you robbed from us and like yourself when you reach the end of your days because you are all you’ll ever have. Your faithful caged bird you taught to fly. Good-bye


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