Well, I love you

Well, I love you

Well, I love you

Before you came down for halloween, I told my mom that I had a feeling you’d break up with me after halloween because you’d feel guilty for doing it before, since I spent so much time & money making the costumes…and you know, my intuition is always right, or maybe you’re just predictable after the first time breaking up. It’s not hard to read you. You’re very cold & distant 90% of the time & you seem to be self-centered in the relationship.

In the beginning, I was one of your top priorities, you wanted to talk to me, you wanted my attention, and my love. Recently, you wanted nothing to do with me, i understand. however, everyone could see that too. My parents saw that, they have their opinions about you, but they still respected you & loved you… now that you did this, after halloween, my mom lost total respect for you, so did my dad. I don’t look for my parents approval of you, but they warned me… i don’t regret not listening to them, i felt i made the right decision by staying with you… but this is what you chose to do… after we fed you, gave you a bed to sleep in, gave you shelter, gave you love, gave you respect gave you gifts, gave you money… my parents loved you & they loved how you treated me in the beginning, but after time went on they noticed a change, a pattern in both our behaviors. You weren’t as excited to see me, you stopped putting in effort to want to do things with me, you stopped making time for me, you stopped talking to them as much, you stopped being excited to go places, you stopped trying… I would be crying in my bed after you left, I would be irritable when you would treat me poorly, I would be depressed & anxious when you didn’t make time for me… 1 time a month.

Once a month, making small talk, and giving me some attention after work… you got annoyed with me… all i wanted was the bare minimum of a relationship… communication , time, effort, reassurance. you could barely carry your weight in the relationship. I exhausted myself over & over again to carry both our weights… it became exhausting & it drove me insane, but i still put in work & I didn’t leave you… because I had faith that things would be different & you’d start to carry your weight… i wasn’t an acquaintance, i was your lover, your girlfriend, you know? i was someone you claimed to love to the moon & back, right?

You put every ounce of energy to get me to love you in the beginning, but you burnt out after a few months. very rarely during the relationship would you give me reassurance when I needed it. the days where I felt I was the ugliest person in the world, the worst girlfriend, struggling mentally… you’d shut me down & ignore me. I’ll admit it, you were a gentleman all the way through because you would open doors for me, paid for most things, told me you loved me, called me sweet names, & were respectful for the most part. However, I felt it fading away recently, & in my gut, I just knew. I knew you were going to leave me. I wanted to ask you but i know your patterns; me asking if we were going to break up is an easier way for you to break up with me because i brought it up. I noticed you stopped calling me sweet names, stopped saying you loved me, stopped asking how i was and how my day was, ignored me for hours upon hours…I knew it, I’m not that stupid, honey.

I just wished you would’ve communicated it with me, like a mature relationship. maybe it would’ve been easier, even if we couldn’t work things through. maybe it would’ve been easier if you were just open & honest from the get-go. Just never forget that i stuck by you every step of the way because I loved you… I wanted it to work… we could’ve made it work but I don’t think you would’ve loved me regardless if i changed and became everything you wanted. no matter what, I still loved you. i took pride in being your girlfriend. I talked about you to everyone I met, I bragged about you, I bragged about how great of a man you were, and how lucky I was to have you. i talked 24/7 about how much I loved you. to be honest, I feel like a fool sometimes. just a couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend from high school who asked how i was doing… I told i gave the best boyfriend in the world & i’m so happy to be with you. i feel like a fool now that were  not together anymore.

Besides that, you were a good boyfriend. there are plenty of qualities that i love about you, but a few that you weren’t willing to fix. you were never willing to fix your communication — about your feelings, you were never willing to work through issues instead of walking away, you were never willing to understand how I feel. i struggled & struggled sometimes & I held back on talking about It because I know it would just blow up. you made me the happiest girl while also making me unhappy. a lot of my unhappiness came from the feeling of insecurity in the relationship. I wasn’t insecure about you cheating on me … (although I found some things that made me insecure about that). but I was more insecure of you leaving me. the relationship wasn’t secure … well, I didn’t feel secure. I felt like I was walking on a tightrope & at one second it could all fall if I made one wrong step.

It was never me who wanted to leave, never, because I made you a promise. I keep my promises. You knew my past relationship was off & on, & so was ours. you showed me that you didn’t want me the first and second time, yet I ignored it in hopes things would change and you keep your promise. I hoped we could be able to talk it out like adults. I did everything you wanted me to do; get a job, be more independent, not bother you as much when you work, etc. I did all I could, but no matter what I did, it wasn’t good enough. You had all the time to fix the things I discussed with you that bothered me. remember… You talked about how you wanted to keep me happy, how you wanted me to be one of your top priorities, how you wanted to give me more time, spend more time with me… But you never followed through and that’s OK! Life happens and it’s hard to follow through with promises.

I hope you never forget, or i at least hope you focus on the positives of the relationship, because there were a lot. look at the positives of me, too. I wasn’t just an annoying girlfriend. Recognize that I was a great girlfriend, despite being clingy and annoying. I did everything I could for you, to make you the happiest man in the world. Think about it; it happens… boyfriends and girlfriends annoy the living shit out of you, but you have to work through all the quirks and flaws. Stop and think; “why is she annoying? Why is she driving me insane?” Maybe I’m annoying because you neglected me… And you admitted it. You recognized it. However, you didn’t fix it… I wasn’t treated like a girlfriend. All I asked for was at least one time a month to see me, talk to me when you’re available, show me love when talking to me – the bare minimum – less than that, actually. I know you tried, I know you did, but it didn’t last long… That’s why I “annoyed” you. I tried to let you know that I wasn’t being treated like your girlfriend. Your actions and words towards me with all this annoyance and anger… And that affect me, it made me needier for your love.

Despite you breaking up with me three times, I still love you. I know you’ll never get back with me, and that’s fine… But remember that I let my guard down so you many times, I trusted you so many times, I believed you so many times, and I still kept opening my heart up for you after all of this. it feels disrespectful, not only to me, but my parents. You lied. I don’t know why I still believed every word you said to me after the second break up… let alone, from the beginning when I found out your parents weren’t dead. you will all talk and no action, barely any action… Unless it was in your favor and what you wanted.

I just have to ask; how could you do the most disrespectful thing to me and my family by doing what you did after Halloween? You came over, Set down, ate food, slept in my bed, I drove you places, bought food, you told my parents you would see them in a couple weeks, you told my mom you were getting her a damn birthday present, and acted like you would see us again, and everything was perfect. Well you couldn’t even bother to tell me you were going to break up with me!!! After all that, after a year, after every good thing my parents and I have done for you… You treated me like this? I just don’t understand why… Want me to do this? Because I “drove you insane”?That’s the best answer you could give me? Because I wanted 10% of your time? You could lie to my face? Kiss me? cuddle me? With no hesitation… no hesitation, josh. why did you do the ultimate disrespectful thing to my parents and I? After all we’ve done? To show you love, checking in, cared for you, and you took that for granted… You took me for granted. I regret that. I will never regret being with you and loving you… I will never regret anything with you… Except letting my trust in God down multiple times.

Although you shattered my heart and soul… I am grateful for you in this past year I am grateful for the memories, the gifts, the love, the happiness you gave me. I couldn’t and can’t wish down upon you like many others do. I wish you the best in the future… Especially relationships. Give yourself some time to fix yourself, figure yourself out before finding someone. if not, find someone with as much patience, understanding, and love as I had for you…

There are days I wish I didn’t wake up… But I did. I wish that all the pain go away and I will be OK. Now, I lay in bed, hating myself and this room. The emptiness haunts me and I want it to go away. I wake up early and go to sleep late… The vivid dreams of you waking me up, kissing me, hugging me, and telling me you love me wake me up. I wake up from this nightmare/dream. why does it hurt so bad? you’re not here anymore and reality hits me… i cry. I cry for hours, I scream at the top of my lungs asking, “why?” It’s not fair. I want you back. I want the old you back. the you that would value me, love me, appreciate me, reassure me, tell me I’m beautiful. I want that back. I’m praying to God and hopes to find amazing man, and I got you. then I prayed to God to bring you back to me. God works in mysterious ways, but you are far more mysterious with your actions. maybe God will bring you back to me, but I don’t think my heart could handle it. I’ve been looking forward to many times to do with it again.

I want you back, but I don’t… I’m conflicted. I miss you, but I don’t know how poorly treated me. All I wanted to do was be your lover and best friend. I love you more than I could put into words. I was your number one supporter.  I wanted to be the stability in your life – someone who would be there for you no matter what, someone who loves looked for what was best for you, someone who loved you more than anyone or anything anything else. I was that person. I was your person. You were my soulmate, the love of my life, and my only best friend that I could hug, you’re my everything, but you betrayed me in so many ways. Maybe one day you will realize what was done. 

My last words to you were “I love you…“ But little did you know, that night, I was hoping I didn’t wake up after what I did. I slept four days straight and unfortunately woke up. I was hoping I would die. When I woke up, I couldn’t take care of myself. I struggle to even eat or drink water. I actually didn’t eat, and I lost 5 pounds in four days. I tried it again and no success, so here I am… Still. Why can’t God make me stop suffering? Why can’t you answer my prayers? Why must I always be the one getting my heart broken? What have I done to deserve that? I’m no coward and I don’t typically want to die, I can’t handle this pain anymore anger. it physically, emotionally, and mentally hurts. my body aches and my heart physically hurts. My brain is going 1,000,000 mph, trying to find a purpose and a reason to live. I’ve lived my life enough I’m done and I don’t want to go any further. I’m tired and I want it to end. why? Why can’t I fall out of love with you? Why did I attach myself to you? Why did I change myself for you? Why couldn’t you be better? Why do I have to be the one suffering? Why do I care so much?

There are so many things that I know that you don’t know that I know. for example, Twitter. i’m angry that you can move on so fast. I’m sorry that I wasn’t what you wanted. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be as pretty as the other girls look at. I’m sorry that my personality isn’t what you like. I see who you follow on Instagram and Twitter, and I couldn’t imagine who you follow on TikTok. I know you like Latina girls, no shame in that they’re very beautiful. However, I saw a dating app for Latinas on your phone, and an active meet me account. It’s sad that I didn’t trust you in the end of the relationship and you got defensive whenever I went on your phone. I never question your loyalty, but I felt insecure that you would leave me and immediately find someone new. like I said, Twitter. I only downloaded Twitter because I could find more Memes, but my contacts synced and I found your phone number connected to an account. I thought, “this can’t be his, no way he would do this to me…“ But after an excruciating few minutes of scrolling, I knew it was yours. The alias that you put as a user name that’s what you used for TikTok. what hurt most to seeing you retweet and comment on porn… The exact night you decided to unblock me after the second break up. Specifically, you commented “who is the @” 10 minutes before texting me that you were sorry and struggling. Talk about “post nut clarity,“ right? You realize that you miss me after viewing those pictures. Funny. I trusted you and was very unsuspecting of you the entire relationship. It’s not that you watching or looking at porn disgust me, it’s the fact that you did it just 10 minutes before begging me to come back… with your sob story.

I wish you luck, I do, because not many girls would want to put up with you — A man who treats him like shit after they gave you their heart. so good luck. I had to beg you to treat me like your girlfriend. I asked you to complement me, call me sweet names, and love me. It was weird that you did. it hurt me. You hurt me. you know, every night, I have dreams that you texted me back. I hope that you will come back apologizing like you did before, but you made it clear that you weren’t coming back. You’re already moving on and I’m sorry. I wake up in the middle of the night checking your messages only to find that they’re empty and the last thing I said was “I love you…“

I miss you more than ever, I’m sorry I bothered you. All I wanted was for you to love me… Love me better I miss you. I miss the memories you’ve been my boyfriend through many life events you were there when I started college you were there when my first gecko died, when I got another gecko, when I shot my first gun, when I went on my first trip out of state, and I got my first real job, when my dog died, when I got my wisdom teeth pulled, when I got my license, when I got my first car, and many more. you don’t know how grateful I was to have you in those times. You helped me through a lot, and did a lot for me. I just miss you… I lost a big piece of me when you left and I feel empty inside. I loved you the same since the beginning to the end I loved you with all my heart and soul and I still do. I wish it was the same for you. I wish you put the same effort in to get me to keep me. I wish you loved me for who I was, like I loved you for who you were. I wish we could’ve loved a little bit longer. Just until we were both mature — you are mature in some aspects such as a career and finances (sometimes), and I was mature in a relationship.

We both need maturing, but you need the most of the relationship or to work out. when you came to me in the beginning, I was vulnerable, I was broken, then I found you. Someone who is seemingly stable and knew what they wanted for life and in a relationship. You talked about marriage, kids, moving out of state, and being together forever and into eternity. I had no idea what I wanted, except for a long-term, committed relationship. You always talked about the future with such excitement and energy, but as time went on… you made it clear that you didn’t see longevity and the future. you really talked about it. Ever since you talked about all the future plans, I was on board with you. I didn’t want most things you wanted until I fell in love with you. Where did it go? where did you go? Remember you said you love me more…? But if you did, why am I waiting for you to come back? there is no one on this earth who love you more than I did I’m sorry I had to be that person; the person that you never wanted.

Good luck, you are dear to my heart, I still love you to the moon and back.


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