Letting Go is Too Hard

Letting Go is Too Hard

Letting Go is Too Hard

After being hurt by someone in the past, I told myself I’d never fall in love again. I said if I ever liked someone, I’d keep it to myself—they’d never know and I would be okay with that. Shortly after meeting you however, I started feeling the familiar butterflies in my stomach I once felt before. I noticed how excited I was when you were there and how disappointed I was when you were not. I paid attention to every word you spoke and laughed at every joke you told. I knew I was falling for you, but promised you’d never find out.

Of course you did though because high school is high school. You know the story of me inviting you to the party, and you know what happened at the party. I’ve told you before. You also know that I was on top of the literal moon when you said you liked me back. For weeks after, I looked forward to speaking to you every day, I enjoyed spending time with you and going on dates. I loved talking about our future. I loved getting you gifts and seeing your smile whenever you received them.

That’s why it sucked when you started to change. That’s why it hurt so bad every time I’d see you post complaining about all the things you wish you had from another person. “Can someone let me join their relationship and be the center of attention” “Can someone get the feminine urge to buy me things” It was confusing because I’d ask you several times if you were still looking for a relationship and you’d always say “yes, but be patient” because you weren’t quite ready yet and wanted to keep your options open.

I was waiting for you and knew I would keep waiting for you. E, I only asked for the last time if you were still interested because you started blowing me off with BS excuses. You were constantly hanging with this guy, which is fine as we weren’t together officially, but the fact that you stopped reaching out and wanting to hang with me and instead were with him started to get to me.

I never should’ve asked though, because your answer made me feel  much worse than what I felt before. When I read your message saying you just wanted to be friends I could feel my heart breaking. But I “read between the lines” i thought, and saw little hints that maybe you would want to together in the future which is why I continued to give gifts and talk to you after I got past the initial hurt. You know all this though. The way we were speaking after you said you wanted to just be friends was too similar to when we were actively “talking”, that’s why I was thinking you still wanted me.

What happened Saturday never should’ve happened. I regret taking anything that night. The way I confronted about you the guy was not the way I planned, especially given that I hadn’t planned on saying anything about him to you in the first place. Maybe It’s best that I know you left me because you have feelings for him, but I keep wanting to go back in time and live in ignorance because it was easier. The more I asked about him, the more hurt I got. I do not and will not understand why you did not tell me that you were actively engaging with the both of us and would have to choose eventually. Why you told him you were also talking to me but not vice versa.

I don’t get why you let me pursue you for so long knowing you did not really want a relationship with me. I feel used and hurt but for some reason I still cannot stop loving you. I cannot stop thinking we’ll work out still. You make me extraordinarily angry, but Im still so in love with you I don’t know what to do with myself. I tried talking to you about it, I poured my whole heart out just to get a “you’re making my head hurt, maybe we need a break from each other”. I physically could not stop crying when I read that. And in the middle of a school day so I had to be in a crusty bathroom stall sobbing my eyes out and laying on the floor. I was even more devastated to know you blatantly excluded me because you thought it’d be awkward with me and the guy both there. You decided to have all our friends minus me. That was selfish. Choosing the new guy over someone you supposedly cared about is messed up. It was even more embarrassing having to explain to our friends why I wasn’t on the invite list. They noticed that by the way.

The point of this message though isn’t to say all the ways you stressed me out, broke me, hurt me, ripped my heart out. No, it was to say that for some reason I still am in love with you and I can’t let you go no matter how hard I want to. I’m trying so hard to give you space, I just miss you so much. People keep telling me to just get over you and that I deserve someone who’d love me as much as I love them, and while I agree with them, I’m not convinced that that person can’t still be you. I don’t want to keep comparing myself to this guy you chose me over but I can’t stop. I’m not white, I’m not a guy obviously, and I can’t change those things. E, I want to be with you so bad and I’m willing to do what you want to make it work. I know you can’t shut off your feelings him, but wouldn’t that also apply to your feelings for me too if they were ever real in the first place? You could do anything, and hurt me in any way, but I’d still care for you endlessly. I would do anything for you. I value our bond and I don’t want to lose you. I will give you the break you asked for even though it’s difficult, but I’m hoping, praying that you are my person and we will come back together stronger. I love you lots, Emo. 
You know exactly who wrote this


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