I still love you to this day

I still love you to this day

I still love you to this day

It was Dec 24, 2019. We were getting ready to drop off our application for our new apartment together, then heading to your mom’s for xmas party. you were taking a shower and I couldn’t find my phone. I took your phone  to call myself. Then I saw the messages. The messages of you begging her to send pictures of herself to you , of you telling her what a bad girl she was, of you telling her how sexy she was, of you telling her how bad you wanted her. I left, while you were in the shower. You called me later to say  you were sorry, and that you didn’t love her, that you loved me . That you would cut her out of your life.
We continued talking for a few months. I tried to act like nothing happened and have a normal relationship, like how it was before. But every time I looked at you, I only saw you begging her for pictures and you telling her the different ways you wanted to play with her body . 

The thing is, I could have forgiven you for anything, murder, stealing,  just anything.. but cheating.  I’ve always had an irrational fear of adultery in relationships. Growing up, my mother raised me with the lowest self esteem. I was told everyday by my mom, that I wasn’t pretty enough to be truly loved by someone. Thank you for making me realize that she was right all along. After Dec 24, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for weeks. I hated the way I looked, the way I was built. I kept thinking to myself, if I was only prettier you would have never had to stray away. I hated you for making me feel this way.

Fast forward to today,  I’m in a new happy relationship now . We are even thinking about moving in together in February . Despite everything you put me through, the craziest thing is that I still think about you every night.. if you were to call me out of the blue right now … I would drop everything to be back with you.  I hate you for that .


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