My therapist is against the idea of me reading our WhatsApp conversations for the sake of my sanity so for some weeks I have not opened our conversation. But, I have searched your name to see if you have changed your display picture. Though it doesn’t matter to me anymore, and you do not even look pretty in it, but after all this time I have realised that my feelings towards you were never based on looks, rather on the emotions that your texts and long distance calls made me feel.
For a long time after you messaged me, “We are not together anymore”, I have used bitterness and hatred as a defence mechanism. I have tried to make myself believe that you never loved me, tried to curb those memories, and shunted the thoughts of those little things you did for me just to make myself feel that letting you go was the right thing to do, but I cannot live in this façade anymore. Perhaps, it is about time that I confront the reality. At least that’s what my therapist feels.
She wants me to call you for a closure. But, what is there left to say and hear after that last message, “We are not together anymore”. It feels like a befitting last exchange. I want to think that you had already started seeing someone when you texted this. But, then, I am reminded of that 3am call you made. You missed me, right? I regret telling you off and not talking to you. I was just trying to make a statement, that’s it. You could’ve called after 30minutes. You should have called after 30minutes.
I know exactly when you started to fall out of love with me. I had told you I will never be able to give you what you wanted, but you insisted and it was never to be. But, I know in my heart, no matter how much I try to ignore it, you still tried to make it work. I, sometimes, overlooked your efforts. I really don’t know what for and it makes perfect sense that I am punished for it from the time I wake up till the time I lose my conscious to sleep every day.
I really hope that we run into one another someday soon. I want to have a chat. A long chat. I don’t know what I will say. I have been preparing for the day since you made it clear “We are not together anymore”, and all I have ever wanted to do is to hurt you with my words. But, I can’t do it. I just want to say, “Hi, how are you?” and talk to you about the past four months. We can talk about the Afghanistan situation and the recent political developments. I can rant about my job and you can let me know how you are managing your house chores and are about to lose it.
December 3 will be a tough day for me. I really want to reach out to you and wish you birthday. But, why should I? You are probably with someone else already and I don’t want to ruin your perfect day with him by making an unwelcomed insertion. And, after all, that “We are not together anymore” is the perfect last message, no? And, it is not like you wished me on my birthday.
I hope you have a great day and enjoy your day to the fullest. You deserve every ounce of happiness. I secretly wish that you miss me that day, but I don’t think I really gave you anything to make you miss me.
With the hope that “We are not together anymore” will not be your last WhatsApp forever, I go to bed once again tonight.
Someone who hopes he still means something to you